Column: Hey girls, don't let Pierson happen to you
It could happen to any girl on campus.
In case it does, you should be prepared for this catastrophic occurrence.
Published Sept. 17, 2004
It could happen to any girl on campus.
In case it does, you should be prepared for this catastrophic occurrence. Of what impending disaster do I speak? Well, ladies, you could be the next girl that I ask out on a date. And if I do, you'll want to be prepared to blow me off.
Oh sure, I know what you girls are thinking. But Matt, you're so cute, charming and modest. But Matt, you always make me laugh for at least a second or two on Fridays. But Matt, I'm already 12 weeks pregnant with your child. These are all valid concerns.
Yet all the ladies in the house should know there's a deeper, darker side of going on a date with me. Sure you'll have fun, but is it too much fun? What if you get a side ache from laughing too hard?
For girls who know me only through this column: what if Matt Pierson really is just a giant floating head with text surrounding him? Wouldn't that be awkward to be seen with in public?
To help the ladies, I've created the Official Girl's Guide to Blowing Off Potential Piersons. The guide's sure-fire tactics are guaranteed to stop any first dates, let alone second dates, from happening. While it's designed for me, the guide will help you blow off guys in general.
Finally ladies, you can blow off that creepy guy in your psychology class who keeps staring at you. Oh crap, that's still me.
Okay, girls - first pretend you're busy all the time. It doesn't matter when a guy asks you out, you should never make the mistake of saying you're available. We'll buy any excuse. Tell me you're taking 300 hours this semester and with all the homework you just don't think you'll be able to go out. You might think this would be hard to pull off, but you'd be surprised.
Matt: So I was wondering if you'd want to hang out sometime. What are you doing this weekend?
Girl: Oh, this weekend's not good. I'm supposed to eat sour cream on Saturday, and then Sunday I think I'll be feeling really tired because sour cream always makes me drowsy.
Matt: How about next week?
Girl: I've got toenails to paint. Ten of them. I can only do one a day so there goes the next week and a half.
Matt: What about a week from next Tuesday?
Girl: I think I'll be brushing my teeth then.
If a guy still hasn't caught the hint, you might have to be a little more direct. Wrap some honey around the sting by speaking to us in code until we finally understand what you're trying to say. Past lines that have worked on me from girls have included: ''I see you more as a friend than as somebody who's interesting," "I only date on leap years," and "Get the hell away from me."
So, girls, if for some wild reason a guy should ever ask you on a date, be prepared to put a stop to it immediately. However, you ladies won't sucker me again. Who needs dates when my credit card number gets me all the Internet babes I could want? Now if only student charge was accepted at www.InstantPorn.com, then I'd be set.