Column: Traits I abhor
Published Oct. 11, 2005
I love women with good personalities. The functioning word there is "good." There seems to be a backlash against vanity in which attractive girls feel they are shallow if they don't pride themselves on their personality. That's wonderful. However, I have noticed a few problems with the execution of this plan.
No guy is going to tell you this because we are all trying like hell to fuck you, but just having any personality is not sufficient for you to feel good about yourself. If I were talking to you in person, I naturally would be singing a different tune. I would be telling you how you are witty, clever, insightful and even rational. Although I might not be trying to fuck you right there in the meteorology lab, it's not wise to burn bridges.
Now, I'm not saying all women have shitty personalities. I am suggesting that some of you "hotties" might have been a little hasty in choosing a defense against being labeled vain. I don't blame you though, at least no more than I would a drug addict who does an 8-ball a week while surrounded by codependents. We guys are coddling you, making you think you are interesting.
In order to make life more bearable (for me) and fulfilling (for you hotties), I would like to discuss a few personalities I never want to see again. Disclaimer: This is not meant to characterize all hotties, merely a few I have had the pleasure of meeting.
- Haley Try-to-be-opinionated-but-lacks-the-mental-horsepower:
This girl doesn't care what you think, she just has to speak her mind. She projects an aura of confidence that is wholly unwarranted. She is good at making quick declarations, but usually gets flustered when challenged. The strength of this personality depends upon the validity and originality of the things she declares. Sadly, I find this type of girl's repertoire tends to be full of stale insults and quips she heard somewhere, usually from some friend who e-mailed it to her. Everyone has heard your opinions 100 goddamn times, yet you parade around like you are so fresh and being so gives you the right to act so ungracefully. The real message here is: If you insist on being a bitch, a little originality goes a long way. Also, if you are comfortable expressing your opinions so openly, you must also be willing to defend them publicly. To refuse to do so is to be a cooze of the most childish order.
- Brianna Wanna-get-wasted-then-cry-about-being-a-huge-whore:
This is the slutty drunk girl who tends to cry, often publicly. No explanation is needed here.
- Monique Speak-about-sex-too-early-and-ends-up-with-nowhere-to-go-in-conversation:
This girl is very comfortable making a sexual innuendo almost immediately upon meeting someone. Don't get me wrong, I love a little sexually charged banter but I just think it should be used judiciously. When this girl, say, makes a joke about blowing me, then fails to do so, it's going to be that much harder to titillate me next time. The sexual banter should be a "go-to" not an opener. After the blow job routine, where can she go? Off-handed fisting comment? Anal insinuations? That's no good. Interaction with this girl becomes progressively more uncomfortable and difficult to tactfully end, as illustrated by these potentially false interactions. Subtext has been made explicit for the reader's benefit.
Conversation No. 1
Monique: You know, citrus makes a man's cum taste better.
Dan: Really, I've got a few limes in my car.
Monique: Why don't you eat those limes, then I will fellate your penis. (Dan rushes out to car, eats limes, yet doesn't get his dick wet.)
Conversation No. 2
M: I don't understand why girls are so afraid of anal. It's not so bad.
D: (Avoiding eye contact) I gotta go ... over there (points to empty space 10 feet away).
Contact Dan Friesen Here.