Column: The greatest prank ever
Published Oct. 4, 2005
As my friends know, I am a big fan of pranks, japes and practical joking of all forms. There is something so satisfying about really pulling one over some of my buddies.
But it goes both ways. There is a little pride lost, but I can take it gracefully. Like the time my buddy SeeBee dared me to do a lap around a swimming pool, swinging from rings that were suspended from the ceiling.
Unbeknownst to me, he had tied up the last ring and as I had no ring to grab, I ended up tonsil deep in the chlorine bath. Oh, he got a good laugh, that SeeBee.
Well, I have conceived what might be the greatest prank ever. This prank is best carried out on a friend who is sensitive, one who will take criticism to heart. But, he should be a good friend. Someone like SeeBee.
Allow me to walk through what it would be like if I pulled this on my buddy SeeBee.
First, I have to trick him into going on a plane flight over land with me. He likes weed, so I could just tell him I scored tickets to Bumbershoot, Seattle's arts festival. If he's enthusiastic, I would feign enthusiasm. If he's bored, I would initiate the enthusiasm myself.
Now, this point is important. Before boarding, fiddle with the plane to make sure it doesn't quite make it to its destination. What would I do, you ask?
I could sabotage the robots (what robots? Keep reading). I might siphon some gas. Picture me out on the tarmac, sucking on a length of surgical tubing, forgetting how to siphon and drowning in gas.
But I digress. The point is that this plane will be going down. If it helps, feel free to imagine a charter plane, piloted by robots (these are the robots referenced earlier). At this point, it is crucial for me to keep it together and stay committed to the ruse.
In this tense moment before Seebee and I meet our fate, I turn to SeeBee and tell him there are some things I need to get off my chest.
"I've held my tongue for too long. I'm so sick of your shit, man. You are such an asshole."
This is where the sensitivity comes in. SeeBee naturally would take it to heart and start thinking, "Oh God, I am an asshole. What's wrong with me? I've been such a dick."
These things would be floating around his head for the duration of the descent. But the prank doesn't end there.
As the plane goes down, I will be making sure SeeBee knows what to do in this emergency. In juxtaposition with his safety, I will be jitterbugging down the aisle trying to impersonate the stewardess. This way I die on impact.
SeeBee is not so lucky. He survives, but he has been paralyzed. He cannot move, but his brain is lucid. Once he gets used to being on fire, his mind once again will turn to how he is an asshole.
These thoughts probably would flitter around in his bean until he passes out.
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