Column:

Some pre-break musings

By Dan Friesen

Published Nov. 15, 2005

It's that time of year when we sit around and reflect upon those things for which we are thankful. I realize I have a unique opportunity in that I can publish recognition for those things I appreciate this year. So, if you will forgive me while I "go positive" this week, I promise to get back to the negativity after the break.

I am thankful for gin and tonics, except from Pepper's (they have some nasty tonic). The taste is so crisp, the bite so divine. I actually pace myself very well while drinking gin and tonics because I don't want to not be able to enjoy the next one.

I am thankful for the Quizno's honey mustard chicken sandwich, and really, just honey mustard in general. Scratch that, I am thankful for all mustards.

I am thankful for Doseone and his inexhaustible creative energy. He is like a porn star for my ears.

I am thankful for logic, and the study thereof. I am thankful that my most concrete class gives me the most abstract inspiration.

But, most importantly, I am thankful for all you assholes who saw fit to write me ridiculous hate mail this semester. To thank you for all the laughs my friends and I have had this semester, I thought I would share your criticisms with our readers, all eight of them.

Ad hominem insult section: These are the people who felt like refuting my points (which were frequently misconstrued) or strengthening their own by attacking me personally. It's a good tactic and very effective. I thought I would take a page out of their playbook, and let them tell you about the real Dan Friesen:

"Frankly your kind gives the University of Missouri a bad name. ... You smell like poo. ... You are extremely loose and can't wear tight T-shirts and you disgust me."

"You look stupid in your picture."

"Your picture is fucking stupid. Sweet beard D-bag ... fuck you! If you don't like Mizzou and what it stands for then do us all a favor and get out!"

"When the day of reckoning is upon us, I worry that you will not fare too well."

Blowhard self-importance section: These are people who are into journalism and take umbrage at my lack of professionalism. I am not a journalist; I have never claimed to be. I guarantee that anything I write someone else could write, and the same goes for any of the other amateur columnists in this paper. That Chipotle article from a few weeks back comes to mind.

"I consider myself to be a pretty humble person, but the opinion pieces I wrote for shOUT Magazine here on campus at least had a point. I tried to write something no one else could. If someone else could write it, I didn't do it."

Note: attached to this e-mail were two columns by the respondent. I could have written them if I were OK with writing really boring articles.

Oh my, we're having so much fun here, I almost lost track of the word count. Six hundred words came so quick. So, if one of you assholes out there wrote to me and didn't see your hate represented here, I sincerely apologize. This word limit is very confining. Keep it coming.