Column:

A message to 'down under'

By Dan Friesen

Published Nov. 29, 2005

Dear Penis,

I remember when we first met. I wasn't so impressed by you. Forgive me for saying so, but I felt you were fairly useless and just hanging out, riding my coattails. Oh, how wrong I was.

Around 13, I started to realize we had a few similar interests. Breasts and butts were high on that list. Based on these shared interests, we started seeing more and more of each other. It was electric. Throughout high school, though friends came and went, you were always there for me. I will never forget that.

Mom and dad knew we were hanging out, yet they never as much as acknowledged your existence. That always confused me.

We influenced each other over the years; you always trying to get me to find you porn, me always trying to get you to sit still in class. We make quite a pair. Like any duo, though, we have our downs along with our ups — like right now. Frankly, I feel that you have been distant, even frigid.

Anyway, Penis, the reason I am writing is that I fear we might be in a misunderstanding. I will admit that I did watch Transgeneration, a documentary about transsexuals on the Sundance Channel, with a certain amount of intrigue.

I will admit I harbored a certain amount of jealousy of the certainty that dude had that he would be happy if only he had a vagina. I will even admit I wondered for a split-second if I, too, would be happier with a vagina. I swear, Penis, that is as far as it went.

Do you really think I would trade you in for a vagina? Those things are so complicated and delicate, like a Rubik's Cube in a Ming vase. A wonderful puzzle for the external participant, sure, but I don't need one of my own.

Plus, if I were to trade you in for a vagina, I couldn't very well hang out with our common friend, Beard, and you know how tight he and I are. Not to say that we aren't tight. I'm not comparing friendships, just stressing that I couldn't possibly do without the two of you.

And even though they don't acknowledge you or spend any quality time with you, let me assure you that my family and relatives take it as a matter of fact that we will be together for life.

I know you think my refusal to try to enlarge you through pumps or surgery is a sign that I don't care about you or I want there to be less of you. This couldn't be further from the truth.

I like to think that I love and accept you how you are. Plus, you have to look at it from my position. I don't want to be that dude who puts so much energy into "male enhancement." It really ends up looking pathetic. You don't want me to look pathetic, do you?

Penis, I understand your fears, but I assure you they are unfounded. For my part in all this, please accept my whole-hearted, unqualified apology. I understand my actions have created your feelings, and in the future, I will be more conscious of that. Now, let's put this all behind us and get out to the bars. We've got work to do.

Respectfully yours,

Dan

Contact Dan Friesen Here.