Column:

A fun, new use for cell phones

By Dan Friesen

Published Dec. 6, 2005

For my last column this semester, I thought I would make a prediction that, when it comes true, will prove my prophet status. If rehired for next semester, I shall regale you all with more glimpses into the future that have been revealed to me by Azazel, the fallen angel. Editorial board: This is what is known as "dangling a carrot."

Today's prediction has to do with technology. People demand such constant stimulation that cell phones now offer music videos and clips on people's portables. I was raised, and Azazel has confirmed this is how it should be, to believe that a phone was used to make plans, see if someone is home and to call in sick from work. Watching the new Petey Pablo video on my cellie while I go about my day is an absolutely absurd proposition. What about looking at the clouds? What about the beauty of the wind rustling the leaves?

Further, what about what's going on in your head? When I walk, I either read or do some serious thinking. If I were, let's say, watching a Petey Pablo video while walking, instead of thinking about the geo-political scene or chatting it up with "Azaz" (his nickname for close friends), I would think about women with fat asses or contemplating taking my shirt off and twisting it around my head, much like a helicopter. God help you all if Methods of Mayhem comes on to my portable.

So children, here comes the prediction, which I am now comfortable calling a prophecy. All this technology is being advanced so quickly so men can beat off easier in public. I don't mean to suppose that video phones could make it easier for men to beat off in a park, which will remain a challenge on par with winning a gold medal in curling at the Olympics.

Think about it. Do you think the Internet would have advanced so quickly if not for pornography? Almost 82 percent of Internet usage is dedicated to porn, and 73 percent of Google searches are for porn. Those statistics are, of course, fabricated. On-Demand technology for cable primarily is used by shy guys too timid to rent porn in public.

Sure, we like to pretend the Internet was pushed along because people have an innate need to be connected. It sounds a lot better than saying men have an innate need to download Ass Collector 3.

So, you might be asking what the advantages are that would necessitate this application of technology. The simple answer is that there is a real masturbatory edge to having a little skin flick on your cell phone. Gentlemen, think about that frustration of sitting in a bathroom stall at work, trying to pound one out but not being able because of an unwelcome thought you can't get out of your head. This would be gone forever.

At work, I spend a lot of time watching popcorn fly out of the kettle. I propose that you have a masturbatory kettle in your mind: kernels of thought flying out wildly with little control exerted by you. You just get going and wait for that thought to come.

Recent sexual adventure? Prudish girlfriend from junior high? Slutty girlfriend from senior high? These thoughts are fertile jack-soil. The problem is that a real bad kernel can pop out: something distasteful such as Harvey Fierstein jello-wrestling Eartha Kitt, or thoughts about the Fair Tax.

That's going to add some time to your clock. You could lose your nerve or your coworkers might get suspicious. With a good porn flick on your phone, all these concerns are gone. It's just so noble that we have these cell phone companies working towards such an admirable goal.