Column: Sage advice from a wise old man
Published June 8, 2005
For my first Maneater column, I wish to address the incoming freshman class, as they are likely the only people reading this rag.
To my fellow upperclassmen, feel free to read along, but I recommend waiting until the fall to indulge in my more "you-oriented" columns.
Now, freshmen, I would like to address the males and females separately.
Ladies, please excuse me while I speak to the gentlemen of '09.
Dudes (if I may refer to you so familiarly), drop your attitudes now. I'm sure you got tons of top-shelf trim in high school. You played backup quarterback on your fairly successful varsity football team. I know, I know, you met Snoop Dogg when he came through town (a story you awkwardly work into any conversation). I'm sure he remembers you. I tell you this for your own good: shut the fuck up. No one (except overly sentimental assholes like you) will care at all about the last four years of your life. College is a time for two things: 1) massive amounts of booze and weed and 2) emotional and personal progress. In order to genuinely achieve the latter, you must forget everything, good or bad, which happened socially in high school and start afresh.
Also if you have a long-winded specific major, shorten it up when talking to people. When I hear that someone studies Textile and Apparel Management with an emphasis on linen codpieces, the only thing I know about that person is he is a huge dick. When I ask what your major is, all I need is a rough sketch. If I want details, I will ask.
Lastly, if you listen to one thing I am espousing to you today, let it be this: whatever you choose to become, DO NOT play a role. You can join a fraternity, that's perfectly fine — just don't make it the keystone of your personality. Nurture other interests and socialize with non-brothers. Similarly, if you like listening to mediocre incoherent rock bands only eight people have heard of, that's fine, it just isn't grounds for forming an identity. That is to say, you need not wear ironic T-shirts two sizes too tight and talk with a thick mumble while staring at your ironic shoes. Also, you can smoke weed without being a stoner or hippie.
In short, do not base your identity on trivial preferences and actions that are superfluous to your core identity.
To do so is the surest path to douche-bag-dom.
Now ladies, thank you for your patience. Your first year of college can be a lonely time, leaving friends and family to carve out your future.
Sometimes all you need is a little company. However, it pays to be selective.
You could take the road more often traveled and shack up with one of the douche bags discussed above, or you can brave the great wide open.
At first glance, I'm nothing too special.
My physique, while acceptable, is not that of a varsity athlete. I'm smart, but you will not be seeing me on the Dean's List. I have a certain charm, but history has shown it to be an acquired taste.
So what is it that sets me apart from my beloved douche bags?
I trump the frat guy because I read books, and can use inspirations from said books in conversation as well as the bedroom.
I beat the hipster because I bathe, do laundry and will not cry after I come, mumbling "sorry, Mom."
As for the pothead, I win because I have not ejaculated while looking at a bud.
Plus, my penis is majestic. Ladies, the ball is in your court.