Column: Campus lacks abstract ideas
Published Sept. 20, 2005
Whenever I make a comment about a group of which I am not a member, an acquaintance of mine hits the roof.
"Well, how do you know what it's like? Until you've lived it, you can't talk," is her catchphrase.
My usual response, which I see as logically sound, is that though I have never been to prison, I can imagine it would suck. Similarly, I never have had a woman laugh at my penis (I've had a few smirks, but no guffaws), but I can imagine that intense humiliation. These fitting, if not poetic, counter-examples to her argument consistently fail to impress her.
I believe this mentality is a large problem for civilization. Some people in our society, or at our university, lack the gift of abstract thought and are forced to think in concrete terms. These are the assholes that speak in clichéd adages. These are the assholes that think "According to Jim" is funny. These are the assholes that are not ashamed by the fact they haven't finished a book since the Ramona Quimby series.
I am not a member of this group, but I was until about the age of 8. In my adult mind, I am able to picture a person in any given situation. I then can evaluate the pros, cons and ethical implications of being in the situation. This technique allows me to make informed and rational decisions. Without abstract thought, I would be living an utterly confusing and chaotic life.
In response to the contention that if I haven't lived it, "I can't talk," I now would like to discuss a series of situations in which I have never found myself. I then will provide a few thoughts that would be swimming around the old bean if I were in such a situation.
1. I never have been on a hunger strike.
"I am so fucking cool, standing up for this cause at the expense of my well-being. When I finish this, I will be knee-deep in top-shelf trim.
"Does Taco Bell have nachos bigger than Bell Grande? What happened to the Bell Beefer? Must look into these things after The Man breaks down.
"When you eat a bunch of food, you are full. When you get into a food costume, it is full of you. Does this imply that the costume ate you? Must consult therapist after Big Brother steps off my nuts."
2. I never have impregnated two women simultaneously.
"I absolutely am the bee's knees. Nice going, Dan. Now just be cool, maybe we can make this a habit.
"Jill is late? Fuck!! Oh well, it could be nothing. Stay calm.
"Jen is late too, Jesus, what are the fucking odds? I must have super-sperms. Well, I can't afford this. What's Planned Parenthood's number?
"All right, thanks be to RU-486. Tickets to Spain? Check. False nose and glasses with moustache? Check. Which sounds better: Eduardo or Don Cortez? Time is of the essence. I must decide quick."
3. I never have killed a baby with an inappropriately tight hug.
"What a sweet little baby. I might have kids myself one day.
"What a perfect baby. It hasn't cried in 20 minutes. That hug must have convinced him I was a friend. Hope my forthcoming baby is as agreeable as this.
"Do babies have a pulse? They must, yet, this one doesn't. Oh God...OK...keep it together. It was dead when the father handed it to me. The jury will buy that. No, no, new plan.
"No reason to act rashly. The worst charge I could get is manslaughter. Or baby-slaughter. Baby-slaughter sounds so much worse, yet deserves a lesser punishment. Those little cuties are so fragile. I never will be part of birthing one of these eating, shitting Ming vases."