Column: Zenor saves, believe it or not

By Dan Friesen

Published Sept. 27, 2005

Loyal readers, I write to you today a changed man. I have seen the light. His name is Anton Zenor.

Zenor is a 13th degree warlock out of San Bernadino, Calif., a town notorious for its quality witchcraft and top-shelf pot. Zenor is the only 13th degree warlock in this country, possibly this universe. His simple but poignant truths have opened my eyes, and have shown me I have been living wrong.

You see, Zenor is a member of a very powerful coven called the Ekses Society. The group also includes the super-archetypical Princess (who only uses light magic) and Thos (who only uses dark magic). Shaming them all with his power is Zenor, who dabbles in light and dark magic, embodying the perfect synthesis of the best parts of the yin and yang.

I recently came into the possession of a cache of their pamphlets, describing exactly what they can do for me. On the top of page one, there was a cautionary statement: "WARNING!! For Broad Minded Adults Only." So, I start thinking, "We're about to get abstract, what excitement!" Imagine my state of mind when I read the pitch for the first product: "Full Instructions: How to have a King Kong Dong." This was followed shortly by "Full Instructions: How to perform self-fellatio (with pictures)."

After an exhaustive exploration of the pamphlets, I came upon the realization that the Ekses Society mostly is in the business of ripping off men who think their penis is too small, men who can't get a boner and people who can't pay their bills on time. I think it's pretty lame to capitalize off desperate, impotent men by appealing to some bizarre, illogical mysticism. However, I think it is even more lame to be a desperate, impotent man who is capitalized upon by someone who appeals to a bizarre, illogical mysticism.

Can you imagine the humiliation of calling the Better Business Bureau to report Anton Zenor's sure-fire "spell and chant for rock hard erections" didn't work. No, that could never happen. Anyone who would be critical of the results will have the presence of mind before the sale not to send off for the "cause a man you hate to be unable to get an erection" spell.

By the way, how would you ever know if that one worked? You can't really go up to people you hate and ask them how their erection has been recently. They might confide in you, if they thought you still were close. I suspect they wouldn't.

Further, anyone who would be stupid and paranoid enough to order the "ancient curse remover" spell probably is going to be willing to attribute any chance improvement in his life to Zenor's hex-reversing prowess.

"But Dan, if it helps them, how is it bad?"

Well, relativist voice in my head, isn't the definition of sanity dealing with life on life's terms? We live in a society populated with people entrenched in psychosomatic conditions that can be resolved with this Wiccan sugar pill. There are people, convinced by the argument "we could be right, just keep an open mind," who form their entire personality around this occult religion. That really strikes me as creepy, middle-aged child's play (this is my feeling about most religion, but let's keep moving forward).

You have the right to engage in this behavior, but never forget the rest of us have a responsibility to mercilessly mock you. If my buddy started doing something weird, wearing eye-shadow for example, I would be a terrible friend if I didn't tell him to knock it off.

I almost forgot. I have been far too lenient and tolerant of these ridiculous ideas I confront everyday. No longer! Thanks for the clarity, Zenor.