Column:

Differences in the sexes

By Dan Friesen

Published Jan. 31, 2006

I was thinking about the difference between men and women a lot this week. Three things in particular stood out to me.

The first is in regards to dating. Men choose women they want to date based on two criteria: attractiveness and the likelihood they can get her. Now, you ladies are known to do this as well, but you have an extra weird bonus feature. Regardless of what a guy looks like, if you see him with a hot girl, he instantly becomes more attractive to you. I suspect on some level, you realize the hot girl realizes she is a top-shelf item, yet she chose to be with this weird-looking dude. "What does she know that I don't? I better get with that guy so I can find out." I believe that is your thought process.

I hate to use a cliché example, but who do you think was holding on long enough to have sex with Lyle Lovett before Ashley Judd gave him a chance? After seeing Judd on his arm, Julia Roberts had to get her a taste. There is no male equivalent of this behavior. There is no guy who sees a nasty girl with a dark moustache and an ass three miles wide next to a slick, hunky dude and then thinks, "I gotta get me some of that." No, the dude is thinking, "Whoa, I sure dodged a bullet. Enjoy that nasty vagina, sucker."

The second difference is that there are tons of girls who start relationships with men in prison. All she knows about this guy is that he killed a woman with a mini-"thinker" statue and then masturbated on her duvet. Yeah, there's a catch. Men do not do this. I believe some women do this because they can be in complete control of the relationship, and they know the only person he's cheating with is Bubba. Creepy stuff.

I was also thinking about the gynecologist a lot lately. I've had many a conversation with female friends in which they've complained that their OB/GYN is a little too chatty. I think that is awesome. I guess this is less a difference between men and women than it is a difference between women and me. I would want a super-chatty OB/GYN.

"I just want it to be all business, no friendly conversation," a friend told me recently. I started to look for parallels in my life. Doctors have fondled my nuts, but the small talk just hasn't been there. I like to think my regal nut sack leaves them speechless.

Looking further down the road, I thought about my forthcoming colon-rectal exam. I cannot explain just how disappointed I will be if the doctor puts his finger in my asshole and doesn't bring on the pleasantries. In fact, I'll start up the small talk myself. It might go something like this:

"Whoa, Doc. You got your high school class ring on?"

"Uh, no."

"Wooo! Then you have some chubby fingers. Just take it easy back there."

"Sure thing."

"How about this weather? Something else, eh?"

"It's quite hospitable."

"Speaking of the weather, I have been having bouts of unexpected explosive diarrhea. I know you got a glove on, but I think you might want to step it up to a hazmat suit."

Look, this experience is going to be uncomfortable anyway. The key is to take charge of the situation and own it. Let's all stick it to these doctors.