Column:
Freedom is on the march (for real this time)
Published Oct. 17, 2006
Children, freedom is on the march.
This weekend saw the first of many of my "Rallies for Political Mayhem," and if the night was any indication of things to come, we're going to change quite a few things on campus.
The night started with a performance from my friend's space-rock band, Audio Ammunition. We were then treated to a mind-blowing set by the best rapper ever, F.M. Kat, an amazing acoustic set by Brendan Clark, and finally, 2 Live Crew.
I think a lot of people thought I was lying when I said 2 Live Crew would be performing. I understand how one would think that — after all, I do make up a lot of shit. This was not one of those times. They were in top form (I think Fresh Kid Ice was high) and pleased the crowd with classics including "Me So Horny," "Pop that Pussy" and my personal favorite, "Hoochie Mama."
I swear I have never seen something quite like what I witnessed on Saturday. Of course, I am referring to the Me So Horny Dancers. I cannot impugn their ability to dance, but I can declare that they are exactly what you would expect: strippers. I was disappointed that there was no real nudity outside of my sexy topless dance. (I was close to dropping the pants, but didn't want my wang to upstage the Crew.)
The dancers did a number of things that were intended to be sexy, but really just creeped me out. Perhaps the alcohol was responsible, but I didn't feel the slightest lift in my penis. Like when one of the dancers filled her mouth with whipped cream and seductively shoved two bananas down her throat. Now, I get the symbolism, the whole "banana = penis" thing, but really, I found the act more humorous than arousing.
I was thinking, "Now would be a good time for me to be strung out on coke." I think I should work on getting a coke habit. My lifestyle and personality are very appropriate for a binge coke user, yet I don't use coke. And how fun does a coke party sound? Think about it — sexy, half-dressed, coked-out women rambling on about Sept. 11 conspiracy theories, alien abductions and how the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention are behind the recent E. coli breakout. Maybe an orgy would break out. Who knows what could happen at a coke party?
As I was saying, we are going to change things on campus. I'm tired of hearing Missouri Students Association candidates babbling on about diversity and inter-organizational communication, blowing hard about issues no one could be against and that they could do nothing about.
I have ideas, children. Try this on: replacing all of the emergency "blue light phones" on campus with "rape gongs." Just think about it; if you hear that gong and you are a young lady walking alone, you will run home without looking back. Conversely, if you are a strapping young gent and you hear the gong, you can rush in and do your civic duty to protect the would-be victim. This plan encourages people to act courageously, and couldn't be less effective than those phones.
But, that is only one of many of my platforms. I shall give you little tastes of my plan; I don't want to overwhelm you in one sitting. Make no mistake: This is a revolution. A freedom revolution.
