Column:

Not that there's anything wrong with that ...

By Dan Friesen

Published Oct. 3, 2006

I would like to start this column with a very rare disclaimer. I would like to say to my gay brethren that it is OK to beat off to gay porn, but for us "straights," it is not something we enjoy.

That said, I need to discuss something I have been noticing lately. It confuses me not a little, and I feel like I need to work my thoughts out with you, my loyal readers.

I've been noticing a lot of transsexual porn being mixed in with normal porn sites. Now, in my younger years of porn exploration, I really didn't see much of the genre, and to me, it seems that the niché is on the rise. Far be it from me to judge, but I am rather creeped out.

As I see it, there are a number of types of trannies. There are, at least according to my pre-med biological almanac, people who are born with both sets of genitalia. I'm not sure what to think about these types of folk. I don't hate them, but my penis is very reticent to give them a chance.

Then, there is another sort of person. This person is the one who either was a male who took some of them hormones, or a female who had a penis attached. Although the female with a penis attached is still a woman (I guess), the mind reels at what could have inspired her to do that. Mind reeling tends to hurt boners. The male with the hormones is not even a whack option.

So, best-case scenario, the trannie in the porn is a female who thought it was a good idea to have a penis surgically attached. Worst-case scenario, it is a dude on estrogen. I figure beating off to this is a bad gamble, like that "which cup is the pea in" game that the hoods play out on the streets of New York. It's a dangerous game, and odds are you are watching gay porn.

I have also noticed another trend: Porn featuring transsexuals and males is far more prevalent than porn featuring transsexuals with females. Consider me nonplussed.

I can't logically distinguish between watching transsexuals having sex with males and watching two males. I suspect the powers that be are trying to "Trojan horse" gay porn on us. Why? Who knows? Perhaps it's hubris. Perhaps they are thinking, "Hey, we got them to think fisting is hot. Let's see how far we can push this."

Yet the idea of transsexuals having sex with females seems like it should be OK. I mean, even in our worst-case scenario, the transsexual is a dude. A dude with boobs having sex with a chick seems no worse than normal heterosexual porn. Yet, something still is wrong. I don't know — it seems that there is a red flag that goes up when one encounters something weird in "porn world" or any other place that more or less revolves around shame.

You see, I like boobs. And, similarly, I enjoy watching porn featuring men and women having sex. It should only make the porn more appealing if the male had boobs, too. It would be like going to a guy's house to buy a quarter, and the dealer saying, "Here, take an extra pound for free." No good. Seems like a treat, but you have to think something is up.

Plus, I don't like to beat off to things I am going to have to think about later. I don't want to get jacker's remorse. I got too many things to think about as is, like possibly running a rogue campaign for Missouri Students Association president.