Column:

MSA junior politicians stealing our revolution

By Dan Friesen

Published Dec. 5, 2006

Well, children, it turns out I am a genuine catalyst for change on campus. I'll get to that in a minute, but first, let me apologize.

I had a nice, funny — if potentially libelous — column about how my friend borders on being a sexual predator, which included many mind-blowing observations about the gentler sex.

I was going to publish that this week, but I accidentally read Friday's issue online and knew something else demanded my attention. You guessed it: Nate Beck wrote another bad column. I decided to write about how awful and convoluted his piece was, but then, I noticed something else. Try this fucking headline on for size: "MSA could ban prior approval" (Dec. 1).

That's right, it is proposing a change of its rules, coincidentally changing the exact things I demanded changed.

Now, as you might assume, I have a lot of thoughts about this. Obviously, the first problem is that whatever whiz reporter broke this story must have forgotten to call or ask me for a statement. I'm only the reason anyone's even talking about this horseshit.

I'm sure a lot of you out there are thinking, "Dan, you are so grandiose. Sameera Ali and Kelley Robinson were kicked out of the election. They are the ones who get this ball rolling. But, damn, that is a nice beard."

To them I say that although you are right regarding my beard, you are sadly mistaken about the goings-on in the political sphere.

Ali and Robinson were kicked out of the election for posting campaign materials over another slate's materials. Although they were also fined for prematurely posting material online, there really wasn't any talk about it until they were booted. If they hadn't been tossed, they would have gone through with the election and obediently paid their fines just like Rachel Anderson and Andrew Cafourek have no doubt done by now.

Then there was this egregious line, which left me slack-jawed and full of righteous indignation: "I have a philosophical problem with the student government approving campaign messages." That's from Operations Committee chairman Jonathan Mays. I have a philosophical problem with this quotation.

Unfortunately, when I tried to get some inside dirt on Mays from his Facebook account, I found that I had to be his friend to see his profile. What I learned is that he graduates in 2007. And he is the Operations Committee chairman. These two clues lead me to believe he's not a new face in the Missouri Students Association. So, either:

a) He's a liar trying to co-opt our thriving people's revolution like so much political scum, or

b) He's telling the truth and has been dutifully keeping his mouth shut about a part of his own system with which he had "a philosophical problem."

Now, I can rest easy with full faith in the integrity of our campus representation.

I can't wait to watch these goddamn junior politicians try to jump onto our booming bandwagon. I've got some words for them: Your time is up. You get on our bandwagon, and soon we'll be getting in your senate. Before you know it, the student body will have a genuine voice. And there will be diversity on campus. Viva La Revolución.

What Dan's Fantasizing About:

In the spirit of "No-shave November," "Don't Shave December," "Just Fucking Shave Already January," "Fu Manchu February," "Moustaches, Anyone? March," "All About Chinstraps April," "Mutton chops in May" and, of course, "Shenandoah September."