Column:

Don't call me unromantic

By Dan Friesen

Published Feb. 14, 2006

It's come to my attention that a lot of my columns make me out to be a chauvinist pig who believes chivalry is dead. I might not even be "down with women's lib." Ladies, I'm here today to assure you this couldn't be further from the truth.

I hold doors like no other. If you are coming upon a door and Dan Friesen is between you and the portal, rest assured that your hand and the knob shall never meet.

I bring flowers on dates. I like to approach your door with the flower behind my back and offer them to you in a whipping gesture of pure romance. A few ladies have been overcome by this act of amour and swooned, nearly falling headlong into the door jam, only to be rescued at the last second by their suitor who is ready to act in their defense because he is thoughtful.

I think about marriage frequently. I look forward to finding someone to spend the rest of my life with. I look forward to the trivial arguments that come with prolonged unions. I even look forward to in-law troubles. I look forward to these things because they are so normal, and it's exciting to think of myself doing super-normal things. It's like a reverse adrenaline rush.

Anyway, the part of marriage to which I never gave much thought until recently is the engagement request. I assumed I would ask using the "one-knee method." However, once I thought it over, I came up with the best way possible to propose. I don't plan on marrying soon, so anyone wanting to use this, feel free. I would be honored.

The first step is to figure out which aged relative your girlfriend likes the most, then endear yourself to that person. You have to get in real good, good enough to ask him or her to fake his or her own death. I don't mean this in an abstract sense — you actually need to get the relative to fake his or her own death. When word gets to your girlfriend, she should be emotionally distraught.

This is important — you must then be at your most compassionate and caring. This is your chance to show her how strong you can be when she is weak. Hold her. Listen to her. If you screw this up, you might as well find a drifter to really finish the job or come up with a resurrection story quick.

Then comes the funeral. Of course, she will want you to accompany her, but it is imperative that you not go. My advice is to have some "business trip" planned in advance. Make sure it sounds important and appears verifiable. Be gentle, apologetic even. You must convince her that you are sorry you can't go.

She will go to the funeral, and you will go too, just on the next flight. She will go to be with her family. You go to a motel where you meet up with her exiled favorite relative. The next day, you and the relative will show up early at the church for the funeral. He or she will hide somewhere while you insert yourself into the coffin.

Your girlfriend will enter with her family all decked out in mourning black. Tears will fall down her cheek like morning dew from a eucalyptus leaf. The service should proceed like a normal funeral with everyone telling cute stories about the beloved relative. At the end of the service, attendees will line up to pay their last respects. All the other guests should be in on the ruse so when they pass the casket, they should react as if the relative is actually in there.

When your girlfriend takes her turn, you pop out of the casket, ring in hand, and ask for her hand in marriage. At this point, the beloved relative should show herself and nod approvingly or give a thumbs-up. It's foolproof. She will be relieved that her relative is alive and excited that you want to get married. And some of you had the nerve to call me unromantic.