Column:
'D.E.B.S.' beats up 'Brokeback'
Published Feb. 7, 2006
I come to you today with a heavy heart and a confused, fed-up mind. With the recent Oscar buzz, my beloved Forum 8 theater finally got the much-lauded gay opus "Brokeback Mountain." I didn't have much desire to see this movie, mostly because homosexuals scare me.
Joking aside, the gay community has no greater friend than myself — not because I volunteer or help out in any way, but because I am universally accepting of sexual orientations. The thing about "Brokeback" is that it just looked boring. I wouldn't even want to see it if you replaced Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal with Maggie Gyllenhaal and Heather Locklear. Actually, bad example, I probably would see that.
Getting to the point, I felt obligated to see the movie because it probably will win a shit-ton of Oscars. I've misjudged a movie or two in my time, and this could be another one.
No way. Suffice it to say that "Brokeback Mountain" sucked. The acting was bad, the plot was weak, the delivery was flaccid, Ledger's mumble was annoying, and the emotion was insincere. Additionally, the confusing montages were beyond perplexing, the makeup was horribly utilized, the soft guitar-driven music was lame, and the message was sketchy. That being said, the natural scenery was beautiful. Those Wyoming mountains are divine.
A lot of "gay movies" have come out during the past several years — "Breakfast on Pluto," "Boys Don't Cry" and "Gone in Sixty Seconds." Any of these are more deserving of an Oscar than "Brokeback."
As I see it, the Oscars really dropped the ball last year. They had the opportunity to reward a movie with homosexual overtones that was actually an enjoyable and well-made movie. I am referring, of course, to "D.E.B.S." I saw this wonderful piece of art the other night using On Demand, and immediately my confusion became anger.
"D.E.B.S." is the story of a training school for the next generation of "Charlie's Angels" types. The plot has to do with the star pupil, Amy Bradshaw, realizing she has a crush on the arch-villain, Lucy Diamond, and their subsequent relationship and its consequences. The movie has intrigue, it's fast-paced and the relationship development is tender and genuine. The love scene in "Brokeback" was a confusing, booze-fueled mess. It was less an expression of love than a cathartic unleashing of repressed lust.
The two montages in "D.E.B.S." are: 1) Amy and Lucy having fun, going on dates and eating ice cream, and 2) Lucy giving back everything she ever stole to prove her love for Amy. Conversely, the montages in "Brokeback" are completely misused. They're more filler than anything else. It's like director Ang Lee realized he didn't have two hours of plot, and short films about gay people are a dime a dozen.
"D.E.B.S." is a tale of redemption. The villain realizes love is worth giving up crime for and she does just that. "Brokeback" is an ethical mess of chaotic marriages and neglected children. Plus, "Brokeback" really serves to perpetuate the bogus stereotype that gay equals promiscuous. Gyllenhaal's character goes to Mexico to get a man hooker, and it may be construed that he was carrying on relations with other men in his hometown, away from Ledger. "D.E.B.S." does not fall into this trap. The characters are in love with each other, not sexually compulsive. Plus, "D.E.B.S." takes the high road by not including any nudity or salacious sex scenes.
Well, if the Oscars choose to reward this stupid, boring movie just because the main characters are gay, that is their prerogative. I just won't take them seriously anymore. I'll just turn to the Berlin International Film Festival from now on — the festival awarded "D.E.B.S." the coveted Reader Jury of the "Siegessaule" award, whatever that is.
