Column:

A new, revised dictionary

By Dan Friesen

Published March 21, 2006

I was reading my favorite campus publication, The Greek Chronicle, this week, and I stumbled upon the most admirable guest column. Former Greek Chronicle columnist David Watkins offered us all a candid, scholarly analysis of "Greek slang." Now, you might be wondering, how is that admirable? As I see it, Watkins astutely realized that there was not only a disconnect within the Greek community but also one between Greek students and the rest of us. Like any good Greek student, Watkins was not afraid to sacrifice humor and amusing rhetorical style in the name of leadership and attempt to bridge the gaps. I swear, every time I start to question those Greek students, someone like Watkins comes along and shuts me right up.

Anyway, I thought, there is no better way to pay homage to this breathtaking gesture of unity than to explain some of my own slang for the benefit of the Greek community as well as the rest of us "followers."

Affect (tr. v.) — To have an influence on.

Effect (n.) — Something brought about by a cause or an agent.

Top Shelf Trim (n.) — Vagina; really special, appealing vagina specifically. See also: Prime Trim.

Knowledge (v.) — According to the "5 percent" nation, this is the first step on the path to proper living. Before you can have wisdom or understanding about anything, you must "knowledge it." I'll be honest. I don't really get it, but I like their seemingly convoluted ideology.

Political Scientist (n.) — One who thoroughly understands political history and theory. Intuitively, one would think political scientists are found in politics and the academia. As is often the case, intuition misleads. In its purest form, the political scientist is found in campus publications, commonly in Friday issues. The political scientist peaks in his knowledge and insight usually in his sophomore year. Although ad hominem attacks and "making shit up" are seen as fallacious and specious in logic classrooms, the political scientist knows better. His greatest tools are combative smugness, "playing the victim," bizarre oversimplifications and vague sweeping generalizations. Experience has shown that this type is not interested in debate or fair discourse and instead favors showing off how much he or she knows. It is best to ignore or mock the political scientist.

Nappy Dugout (n.) — Vagina, again.

Douche Bag (n.) — 1) See "Political Scientist." 2) In his column, Watkins describes "frat" as "anything a fraternity guy would typically do, such as binge drinking, not caring and wearing sandals, jeans and a hat at all times." A douche bag is one who is so into conformity that he wears what essentially adds up to a uniform, yet claims to take pride in "not caring." What the fuck do you mean by not caring? What don't you care about? All I can see that you don't care about is your dignity, the self-esteem of that drunk bitch you met last weekend at Harpo's and logical consistency. Damn, I hate people who claim not to care so much. An axiom to live by is, "anyone who claims not to care, cares way too much." Allow me to list a few things Watkins clearly cares about: wearing name-brand button-up shirts (often accompanied by a smart sweater), people thinking that he is cool and indifferent, making business connections and making damn sure everyone knows he is fratty and proud. We all know drunk floozies love indifferent drunks in frat uniforms.

Logical Inconsistency (n.) — The result of willing a contradiction, e.g. being a member of a community that has a boner for leadership and not caring.