A couple trends I found watching Fox News

By Dan Friesen

Published April 11, 2006

I don't know if I am picking up on a new trend or if I have just been oblivious all along.

Fox News, darling of the liberal media, has a bevy of amazingly attractive ladies taking up their airwaves. I've been watching a fair amount of "Hannity & Colmes," along with other shows featuring an unbiased analysis of the news, and I have found that Fox News has a habit of pairing same-gender experts for debate. Of course, this is due to an emphasis on the debate skill "yelling," and we all know that men always dominate women at yelling — and at protesting too much. Fox News knows that inter-gender matches just wouldn't be fair.

But the real trend I have discovered is the disparity in attractiveness between liberal and conservative contributors.

The other day on "Hannity and Colmes," the Republican strategist was one of the hottest little numbers in the world of political punditry. She was sitting down, but I suspect she was petite because she had a petite face. Those glistening strawberry-field lips hypnotized me, which made her divisive commentary and factual distortions sound like erotic poetry read over a soothing sitar. Her hair had the kind of breathtaking highlights usually reserved for award shows and Hollywood premieres. My God, this girl was hot.

The Democratic strategist, on the other hand, looked like an old, tired moose. If you could, imagine a depressed Bella Abzug who just finished running the Boston Marathon, whereupon crossing the finish line she was punched in the jaw by a hobo. I mean, this lady was gross. So gross, in fact, that though I was inclined to agree with her agenda and opinions, I found myself trying like hell to find logical inconsistencies or exaggerations in her words. If only I could shoot down that liberal hag, maybe the GOP hottie would recognize me.

Maybe she would invite me to a protest at a young, gay hate-crime victim's funeral. Maybe I could even get a kiss on the cheek at the end of the protest. If the protest goes well, I might be able to convince her to join me for a nightcap, during which we could discuss how we really do live in a world of blacks and whites with no gray area — a world of moral absolutes.

She would give me her number, and we would agree to "do this again really soon." Two days later, I would invite her to dinner at a fancy Italian eatery. Naturally, she would accept. As I'm sure you have realized by now, this is a setup for a "Lady and the Tramp" joke.

I would invite her back to my apartment where she would tell me that she was 50.7 percent sure she wanted to have sex with me. I would explain to her that this constituted a mandate to get it on and that she should take off her bra in due haste.

We would get down to our business, but my promises of sexual fulfillment would not be honored. Despite the lofty rhetoric I used at dinner, I would really just follow my agenda in the boudoir. If she criticized my technique, I would call her an "enemy of romance."

In following days, I would call her a few times, not because I care about either the 50.7 percent that wanted to get down or the 48.9 percent that knew better, but because I want to fuck her again. [Ed. note: The percentages correspond to the 2004 presidential election. Get it?]

My last unreturned message would warn her that I recently received a credible tip that her asshole was working on a nuclear arsenal and that I was putting together a coalition to take care of it.