Column:

Philosophy has its good points

By Dan Friesen

Published April 25, 2006

Last week, in my America in the 1960s class, I encountered a problem I had long ago decided to ignore. This encounter changed my mind.

Professor Collins likes to start class by inviting someone to tell a joke. I would tell a joke, but I fear that my material might be a little too blue for that audience. The jokes are always awful: Some stale political humor, things I thought were funny when I was 12 or the occasional bon mot. Last Friday, the joke was beyond bad. It was a tipping point.

An older gentleman, 55 if he were a day, answered the call-to-duty at the beginning of class. Maybe I am weird, but when I am in my 50s, I am not going to be enrolled in any class covering a historical period that I lived through. I'll just get high and watch some VH1 special. I wish I could remember the entire joke, but I think I got the essence of it down. It went something like this.

"After college, med students ask, 'How can I heal the sick?' Engineering majors ask, 'How can I shelter the homeless?' History majors ask, 'How can I write the next American novel or teach the children?' Philosophy majors ask, 'Would you like fries with that?'" Cue the applause from the class.

All right, I have a lot of thoughts about this joke. First, just as a humor snob, I take umbrage at the construction of the joke. Everyone knows that when a joke involves listing, the perfect number of elements is three. Four is too much.

Before I get into the rest of this, I must disclose my bias. I am a student of philosophy. All right, now that that is out of the way, let's move forward.

How the fuck is history any more or less useful than philosophy? As the jokester tells it, a history degree's product is either writing a book or teaching a class. Can you not do these two things with a philosophy degree? Is it possible that people just don't care much for those meddling philosophers and take any opportunity to make fun of them, regardless of how accurate or legitimate the joke is? Ha! Philosophy degrees are worthless. I guess that's an opinion. I think marketing degrees are worthless.

Then, of course, there is the real issue. How big of balls do you have to have to get up in an undergraduate class as a 50-year-old man and insult the academic decisions of some of the students in the class? Listen up, you old fuck, I am 21 years old. College is where I belong. Where did your life go wrong that you are here in the twilight of your life and sitting in a 2000-level history class?

We all have the romantic image of the person who put his or her education aside to start a successful career and, then in a moment of introspection, decides it is time to go back and make good for himself or herself academically. I am sure this happens a lot less than we would like to believe.

I know, I know. These old people have a lot of life experience they can bring to the classroom and enrich the learning environment. Fuck that. I've had classes with some old people for the past three semesters. Each time it has been miserable.

Listen up, you old assholes. I'm cool with you getting an education. But please know that when you try to blow hard you look like a huge douche. When you try to act like a college-age college student, you look like a creepy two-time loser.