Column:

Creativity can be found in the oddest places

By Dan Friesen

Published June 8, 2006

Welcome, children, to the portal to adulthood.

Now is the time to gently unburden yourself of parents and free yourself from the confining social rules of high school life. Now is the time to introduce yourself to moral relativism. Now is the time to live like you please.

There was a time when people cared what you did. Those days, thankfully, are over. There was a time when your parents could lord over you and control your behavior. Now, the only way for them to even know what you're doing is from your own reports. You now get to use this to your advantage.

We have a pretty good campus here. The bars around here are decent, lacking character perhaps. But what they lack in personality, they more than make up for in lax carding policies. Even a reputable bar like McNally's Irish Pub — located 10 feet from the police station — only cards on occasion.

"But Dan, booze isn't my thing. How else can I get jacked up at MU?"

Well, you'll be happy to know that there is weed all over the place. You'll find a connection quickly, probably within your dorm. Same story with coke.

"Sounds great. But Dan, I can only binge on coke for so long before I need to get out and see people. How are the parties around here?"

I'm glad you asked. They won't tell you about it at Summer Welcome, but there is an area called East Campus where rather large parties go on quite frequently. Now, these parties are usually not the best parties, but they are notoriously easy to crash.

Upside: it's really easy to steal their beer. Downside: high frequency area for assaults and the occasional canon explosion.

"Sounds kind of hairy. My version of a good night is dressing up like a model, going to a crowded, dark room, listening to dance music and Top 40 hip-hop, and finding a stranger to have sex with that night, only to regret it as early as the next morning. Is there a place for me on campus?"

You're in luck. The District boasts some of the world's best hook-up spots, namely Tonic. Any stylishly dressed minor could get in there with a bad fake ID. And everyone who goes there is so attractive, they sparkle.

Bonus perk: the dance music is so loud and abrasive so as to make communication nearly impossible. None of that uncomfortable "getting to know each other" stuff.

"Hey Dan, I met a guy in my dorm who hooked me up with some coke. I was flying for four days. I dabbled in breeding livestock in my dorm, but it was just a passing phase.

It got to the point where I needed to get out, so I went to Tonic. Long story short, I've got a rash. I need this looked at, but I don't want my parents finding out about this. What do I do?"

Sorry to hear about that, but as Billy Joel once said "the closer you get to the fire, the more you get burned." You got to keep those strangers at a condom's length at all times.

But alas, social diseases happen, and that is why we have a student health center. Most treatments are covered by tuition costs, and you have the right to confidentiality.

Children, your life and freedom start today. See you ladies at Tonic.