Column:

Life lessons from a victim of porn theft

By Dan Friesen

Published Aug. 25, 2006

The oppressive heat is starting to let up, the birds are singing, the Christians are wasting paper; it must be the first week of classes for the fall semester. Welcome, children, to this exciting time of rebirths, renaissances and new beginnings.

As this is my first column of the semester, I felt I should work to make it special somehow. Normally, here at Friesen Point, we try to keep things light. I try to have a little fun, throw out a handful of funnies and laugh all the way to the bank with my $10 Maneater paycheck.

But don't think for one hot second that means that I take lightly my second role — that of a teacher. It is in that capacity I come to you today.

Freshmen, you're 18, and there are a lot of things you can do now that were off-limits before, like voting or having sex with the elderly.

Upperclassmen, despite your variably long soaks in the pond of adulthood, my words are still relevant to you and your life.

Trust me, I have seen a lot in my days. Some have seen more (like the beloved downtown vagrant, the King of Columbia — that guy's been kicked out of every world capital), but you are, in all probability, not one of them.

You think you are? Have you ever pissed your pants in a botched attempt to pee on a nemesis's house, whereupon you attempted to buy booze without an ID in peed-in pants?

Oh, you have? Did you then scream at the clerk, "This is my ID," while pointing at your beard, at which point — probably out of fear — he sold you the beers?

Didn't think so. I have. There's way more to that story, but for once, I am going to self-censor for my parent's benefit.

Anyway, the point is that you need to just relax and learn.

The lesson I have come to impart today is one that brings me just a little pain. It is something I never thought would come from my mouth — the thought of it is so horrid and inconsiderate.

Ladies and gentlemen, but mostly gentlemen, I declare fair game on stealing people's porn.

I once thought of the porn thief as the cruelest of fiends, a villain in any sense of the word. Now, I realize that it is a cold world and what needs to be done must be done.

There was a time, children, that I had quite a collection of porn. Magazines, videos, DVDs, I had a little of everything. What do I have now, you might ask? The goddamned box that once held "Cocksucking Sluts 3."

That's it. Someone went so far as to take the DVD but leave the case behind as a decoy.

What happened to it, you might also ask? Good question. Over the past few years, "friends" have little by little chiseled down my collection to almost non-existence.

This brings me to the only way to avert my porn-stealing rampage: Let's all set up porn-swaps.

You guys all know that excited feeling you get when you see a new porn mag. It doesn't matter if your buddy has owned it for a year. If you haven't seen it, it's new to you. Everyone wins, and no one has to steal.

E-mail me if you're in, but do heed this warning. If you slip in the "tranny" porn, you are out for good. Same thing for old-people porn. Animal porn will be dealt with on a case-by-case basis.