Column:

The World Cup could be better next time

By Dan Friesen

Published Aug. 29, 2006

If you had peeked in the second-floor window of 101 E. Stewart Road on almost any day of June and early July, you would have seen my brother and me dutifully watching the World Cup. That's not exactly fair; he genuinely likes soccer and has for years.

I, on the other hand, have no use for sports other than Slamball. Yet, despite my personal indifference to the sport, in an act of supreme fraternal generosity, I invited my brother over to watch the games at my apartment.

As I said, I have no love for televised sports. My roommate, Nick, is an avid St. Louis Cardinals fan. Watching baseball with him is fucking boring, but my feelings on that sport are for another column. I say these things so you will have an understanding of exactly how much it means when I say that, while I did not contract a full blown case of World Cup fever, I did get far more caught up in it than I thought I would. I would like to now share some of my thoughts on the glorious quadrennial event.

1. The commentary by Marcelo Balboa was outstanding, so outstanding in fact, that I have been compelled to write a song about him. Unfortunately, I am not much of a songwriter, and the only lyrics I can come up with are, (to the tune of the Big Tymers' "Rocky") "If your bitch gets out of line, n---- you show her: Mar-mar-mar-mar-Marcelo Balboa."

It's a work in progress.

1. I know from my very limited knowledge of sports that it is important to have a solid bench. In the tradition of Detlef Schrempf, I believe that Germany should recruit the world's greatest possible soccer player: huge legs, absurd speed, full of fancy footwork.

I also believe that if Germany had such a player, a fitting nickname for him could be The Final Solution to the Soccer Problem, or The Final Solution for short. He could be a David Beckham-esque celebrity in his native land. I can see it now — the Final Solution lunchboxes will be all the rage.

1. I think the best way to liven up the sport even more is to rig the first-round matches so rival countries must go through each other to advance. I'm sure the players would have that little bit of extra motivation to pull through for their countrymen. The spectacle would be great, the play cathartic, and at the end of the day, it might be a healthy way for countries that have historically had unsolvable feuds to get together, and respect each other as competitors. Of course the big one now would be Iraq vs. USA. Or Afghanistan vs. USA. Or Venezuela vs. USA. Or North Korea vs. USA. Or Russia vs. USA.

Can you imagine how fun it would be if a major country was stuck in a group with three countries it colonized? Group D in 2010 should be England, India, Malaysia and Nigeria. It would be harder to set this up, but imagine what it would be like if Germany faced Israel in the World Cup final. I can see it now; the score is 2-1 Israel with 5 minutes to go. Germany subs in The Final Solution. His moves are mind-blowing — he just dances through the defense to tie the score. Overtime is uneventful, we go to penalty kicks and the match ends up 5-4 Israel thanks to a diving save on the Final Solution's kick by goalie Shlomo Fagenbaum. What excitement!