Column:
Lists about sucking are themselves sucky
Published Sept. 26, 2006
I'm sure you know as well as I do that the columns in this paper suck. (Except those by Matt Mitchell — you, sir, are a king among men.)
I can typically avoid the onslaught against my eyes and mind by reading The New York Times. I can read pros such as Frank Rich or, when I feel slightly iconoclastic, Maureen Dowd.
Yet I am only human, and as such I like to read my own words in print. This always turns out poorly, and I tend to regret it. Either I find that my jokes have been cut due to racist or homophobic overtones, or I accidentally read some of the other columns in this God-forsaken rag. At that point I can no longer hide from the pain. I read a little, and then my asshole starts bleeding.
Anyway, here is my review of some of the recent columns that have precipitated anal bleeding.
"Radio killed the...well, the radio sucks," Sept. 8, by Nate Beck.
There is no simpler format for a humorous column than the list or the mini-reviews, especially when they are regarding pop culture. Somehow, in his column, Beck fails to write even one line worthy of inclusion on VH1's forthcoming "I Love 2006." And I'm not talking about the first run; I'm talking about "I Love 2006, Part 5."
No humor, minimal creativity, trite; I give it a D-.
"Real Americans stay away from polls," Sept. 22, by Nate Beck.
What a mind-blowing treatise of political indifference. "South Park" has emboldened those who aspire to be sarcastically indifferent, but Beck's simplistic assessment of the world is less characteristic of one who is truly indifferent than it is of one who doesn't (nor wants to) understand the complexities of reality.
A few points I might be able to clear up:
"The big deal" with abortion is that there are certain people who believe a fetus at any stage has the same rights that we "birthed" humans enjoy, specifically the right to live. In this mindset, abortion would be the same as murder. Although I disagree with their position, it is a defendable position regarding a complex issue. More people than "super-Christians" and un-evolved white trash are anti-abortion-rights.
I don't think feminists burn their bras anymore. It doesn't seem like the act is as shocking as it once was. This would be evidenced by the at least 10 girls I see on campus every day sans bra.
Back to abortion: It is not true that "no matter what side you are on, half the country hates you." I would say that the majority of the people on either side are capable of "agreeing to disagree."
Although it is unfortunate that some people vote based on religion or family size, which voting bloc do you think is bigger: these simpletons, or the apathetic youth who are too bitter and full of angst (they may claim to be "jaded," but this is just a pathetic attempt to sound grown up and worldly) to vote?
I guess I should have expected such nonsense from someone whose first column was about how he had nothing to write about. Looking over his columns so far is like listening to an angst-riddled high school student. I'm just baffled that Beck came up with this extensive list of things that suck, when while he was writing, the ultimate was literally right in front of his face. His column sucks.
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