Column:

Goddamn it. Friesen's back.

By Dan Friesen

Published Jan. 23, 2007

Quiver in your boots, establishment; I am back. For reasons that are unclear to me, the editors have yet to wise up and fire me. And thus, the campus has at least one more semester of dick jokes, overt racism and homophobia taken care of.

I am glad to see that the ever-impressive Matt Mitchell is back as well. Has anyone seen Nate Beck? No? Damn.

I am glad to see that there are two, count 'em two, columnists checking in from overseas in the Friday issue. Try as I might, I never tire of undergrads telling me that they are treated like adults in Europe. I get it. Go drink a Framboise at the Sorbonne. Don't they have some sort of "study abroad" newsletter we could relegate this travel journalism to? This is The Maneater (excuse me, the Daneater), not some crappy semester-long episode of 5 Takes: London.

I hope you all had a nice break; I know I did. I made some new friends, drank some beers and continued my glorious struggle against the machine.

I almost wasn't able to sign up for classes this semester. When I tried to register, there was a hold on my registration and a note to call the Department of Student Life to resolve the issue. I did so, and a helpful secretary told me that there was an "incident" in October I needed to discuss with the Office of Judicial Services. She was not forthcoming with details.

The mind reeled. What could I have done? I frequently drink and smoke enough to cause memory lapses but seldom do these episodes happen within campus jurisdiction. For the most part, I am polite, milquetoast even, in person. I had no idea what the "incident" was.

"It's probably about your column," my roommate Nick suggested, upon apprising him of the situation.

"No way," I replied, indignantly. They can't put a block on my registration because I talk about masturbating and try to make racist jokes (which are invariably edited out by the overzealous editors of this pillar of journalism) in the campus paper. Can they?

I'm not sure what the answer to that question is, but the short version of this story is that they did. Apparently, certain student groups resent my irresistible charisma, my rugged good looks (read: beard), my incomparable moral compass and my enormous wang. They saw fit to complain to the Office of Judicial Services in a pathetic attempt to intimidate me into writing about how every human is the same, how porn is wrong and should be banned and how I was wrong: Nate Beck is pretty funny.

Clearly, these groups (you know who you are) care more about retaliation than resolution. Why'd you go straight to the judge? Didn't care to e-mail me first? Of course not. Well, I got some words for you: You scare me not. I'm going to write what I choose, regardless of your sensibilities. Don't worry, you will never be too offended as long as the editors maintain their supply of red pens and whiteout.

You'll never guess what I got in the mail yesterday. Along with Dominos coupons and my January issue of Black Tail Magazine was a letter marked "confidential" from the Office of Judicial Services. Some quotes: "...the University has found you not responsible for violating any part of the Student Code of Conduct" and "I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you."

I appreciate the apology, but it is from the wrong source. I'll be waiting for these student groups to follow suit and apologize for their shameful, impotent attempt to silence my penis jokes or get me kicked out of school.

I know you readers are curious, so I will end this column with a clue as to the identity of one of the student groups: They shouldn't be jealous of my wang.