'Heartbreak Kid' a heartbreaker

By Tanner Boyd

Published Oct. 12, 2007

"The Heartbreak Kid" gives viewers plenty of warning as to how bad it will be within the first 10 minutes. First, the credit sequence informs viewers it is directed by the Farrelly brothers, who have not had a hit since "There's Something About Mary." Second, Carlos Mencia is a featured actor, the same Carlos Mencia who personifies the word "unfunny." Then, the first few lines of dialogue feature Ben Stiller's father uttering the phrase "crushing the pussy." Finally, it is a remake comedy. Throw all these components into a movie that is 40 minutes too long and you get another film in Stiller's awful movie arsenal.

"Heartbreak" is the story of Eddie (Stiller), who thinks he has found the perfect woman in Lila (Malin Akerman). After a short engagement, the two get hitched and head to Mexico for their honeymoon. Eddie soon finds out that Lila is not all she is cracked up to be and more of just a crackpot. Quickly thereafter, Eddie meets a new woman (Michelle Monaghan), who might be the real woman of his dreams.

But I will not delve into the intricacies of the plot, because really, it does not really matter. The movie is such a colossal waste of time. With all seriousness, "Heartbreak" has to be one of the worst movies I have seen in a long time ("Bicentennial Man" preceded it.)

This film has nothing to offer audiences but continual moments of checking their watches and contemplating what else they should have done with their money. The comedy never exceeds a few vague chuckles, and they hardly make up for the long stretches of uninteresting plot. "March of the Penguins" could at least keep you entertained.

Stiller plays the same loveable loser he always does, and he is still not very funny. His best comedy comes from his character acting (i.e., "Zoolander"), not playing the ordinary guy being peed on because of a jellyfish sting. Monaghan is plain and boring, and it really does not matter if she and Stiller get together or not.

Akerman plays a poor man's Cameron Diaz, which is an even poorer version of a decent actress. To top it all off, Mencia's role of Uncle Tito only gives more reasons why his cable show should be cancelled. The acting bright spots only come from Rob Corddry and Jerry Stiller, and those are too few to save this mess.

The beginning is mediocre, the middle is boring and the end is an abortion.

The experience I had watching "Heartbreak" is somewhere between drinking a gallon of an offensive linemen's ass sweat and getting castrated by a plastic knife. If more filth like this plagues our cinemas, we as an audience will be solely counting on Judd Apatow and Adam McKay to deliver us comedic salvation. The only heartbreak I feel is the pain Hollywood has caused me from another cinematic letdown.