Column:

Use math for beer, pizza and more money

By Ryan Beck

Published Oct. 12, 2007

Boo math!

Yes, indeed, it's a very common expression used by students of all ages everywhere. Call me a nerd-o (and I will ask you, "Who says nerd-o anymore?"), but I do have to say I never thought I might actually miss that horrible number-crunching subject.

I will not miss the homework problems or online quizzes — definitely not the online quizzes. But as for the parts of math that easily applied to real life, I might need a fix.

Every teacher I have ever had in my entire life, and even my parents, have always stressed the importance of math because I would supposedly have to use it in my everyday life.

But, come on Mom and Dad, I do not want to send a spaceship to the moon. I just want to know how much I should tip the pimply teenager for my pizza (somehow that particular equation always comes out to zero — and with him giving me the middle finger and a pizza).

Jimmy Buffett even said so in that song, "Math Suks", and let's face it, it is like the eleventh commandment not to defy the Jimmy.

Maybe there is something to be said about this whole math thing. Maybe it is not only for rocket scientists and Asians after all. As most college students know, a six pack of 12-ounce Natty Light cans is $5.99, but thanks to my great basic math skills I learned in school,

I can clearly see that a 32-ounce Miller Lite tall boy for $1.39 is a better bargain. Buying three of those Milwaukee homegrown beers is just like buying eight gross Natty beers for the same price as buying just a regular old six pack! Yes, I finally understand why our parents pressured us so much to learn math. This is why they sent us to college, right?

Although it is against everything I stand for as a native St. Louisan and Cardinals fan to buy anything not made by Anheuser-Busch, I think saving that extra $1.75 after taxes is worth it, even if it is just enough to tip the greasy pizza boy.

Pizza is delicious and yet another item that is made easier to get when you apply this whole "math" thing.

Let me show you: I ordered a large pepperoni pizza from Imo's and they said, "It will be $19.45, and they'll be there in 25 minutes."

I immediately cancelled the order. That is just way too much to pay for a pizza; in fact, I could not even enjoy my pizza after having paid so much. Frankly, if I am going to pay $20 for anything, I certainly do not want it to turn into poop eight hours later.

This is why it is great to use math. I can get an extra-large pizza that will not even fit in my car door (and trust me, I have tried it) from Wise Guys for just $16. Now I have more pizza and more money. Take that, $20 pizza.

Let's check off our list: beer, pizza, what's missing? Women? Ah, yes.

Could math possibly help you get more girls? I do not know, but I've got nothing for you in that department. Maybe that is why math never really caught on with the masses. I mean, you never hear about Newton keepin' his bitches in check, right? Sadly, no.

I guess pimps might have to use fractions, but that is an entirely different story. Until next time, keep adding and subtracting safely, because if you are not careful, you might break your neck.

Love, Ryan Beck

rjbwbc@mizzou.edu