Column:

Men: Please axe the use of Axe

By Polina Yamshchikov

Published Oct. 19, 2007

This is an open memo to men everywhere, and trust me, y'all will want to read and absorb this:

Axe body spray does not smell good. Axe does not make women want to fling their panties at you, leap on you or drag you into an airplane lavatory in hopes of joining the Mile High Club. They will not trail behind you, mesmerized by the smell.

Axe makes me feel like I am trapped in the air freshener aisle at a gas station, and, much to my chagrin, all of the plastic wrap covering the cheerful fragrance-soaked trees and pairs of dice has been removed. The individual scents are mingling in the air and together are forming such a cacophony of cologne that breathing itself in becomes laborious.

Axe. Does not. Smell. Good.

I don't really understand how this misunderstanding came to exist. Did a marketing team behind men's fragrances solely seek out the horny, drunk, deranged women among us to query about whether or not this product ignites a fire in their loins? I am thinking all signs point to yes.

Sometimes, we would have to bring boys into the emergency room because they have hit the sauce a little too hard.

Constantly lingering around them is the alcoholic smell of Natty Light — they are always the epitome of class, I have found — but even that is hard to pick out among the piquant stench of Axe Touch.

It's pretty nauseating.

Speaking of nauseating, my (female) roommate from last year used Axe sometimes, which is something I'll never understand. She mentioned once that she likes the smell of man to be around her all the time, because it makes her feel happy and at home. She also managed to get it all over me whenever I'd be sleeping while she applied it, because I slept next to the sink. I always knew when she missed her man because I'd wake up smelling like something awful.

I am among the women who, most of the time, do not enjoy cologne on men at all. This isn't because there isn't good cologne out there — Acqua di Gio by Giorgio Armani, for example, is the best smelling cologne ever — but because men generally are unaware of the correct way to put it on.

The Axe container only facilitates this problem, because the easy spray applicator allows for the more stupid of the other sex to shower themselves in the stuff like it's water.

I have this bad habit of stealing T-shirts to wear later from my boyfriends and best male friends. It's kind of creepy, I'll admit, but it's the smell they have. They emit a comforting, woody, musky kind of man smell that is hard to recreate — like sweat, soap, shaving cream and detergent. Definitely not Axe.

So, the way it should work is like this: Men shouldn't bother with cologne in general if it's just everyday stuff such as going to class, eating in a dining hall and running to CVS.

They should keep a bottle of cologne, if they must, for special occasions, and I mean special occasions, like anniversaries and first dates.

Women will be impressed because they'll know that their significant other thinks the event is important, and then they won't suffocate when they want to express how impressed they are later.

That's how a man should get a woman to sleep with him: by being thoughtful and well groomed and not by bathing in Axe beforehand.

pbyrmf@mizzou.edu