Column:

Mystery piss at SmackDown

By Dan Friesen

Published Oct. 2, 2007

As you all know, I attended the much anticipated Extreme Championship Wrestling/SmackDown event here on campus last weekend, and I'm here to tell you that it was everything I'd hoped for — and more.

I'd like to thank my friends for joining me on my adventure and helping me out when times got rough. I'd like to thank The Blue Note for setting up a beer table and thereby precipitating said rough times. I'd also like to thank a mysterious stranger (you know who you are) for clouding my night in absolute confusion. But I'll get back to that later.

The event was an absolute hit. There were even a few big name wrestlers on hand, including Mark Henry (aka the World's Strongest Man, aka Sexual Chocolate) and Batista (aka The Animal).

The Boogeyman, whom I've never actually seen wrestle, appeared after a match and spit worms on people. Hornswoggle, a midget in a leprechaun costume, interfered with a match. Overall, the event was a complete triumph.

If I had to choose a high point in the night, I would have to say it was when the refs got booed while sweeping up the worms The Boogeyman had just spit all over the ring. The fans had a point though; they did have terrible broom technique.

Close in the running was Fit Finlay hitting Chuck Palumbo with a steel chair. A wrestling event just wouldn't be a wrestling event without someone getting hit with a steel chair.

If I were forced to pick a low point, it would be "too close to call."

The first contender was when I bought a $4 nacho plate only to get back to my seat to find my cheese was cold as ice. Cold cheese? Weak. I got over that disappointment quickly, but I never would have been able to do so without the help of the great people of The Blue Note.

One thing I couldn't get over, despite the lingering effects of The Blue Note's wares, was what I stumbled upon during my first trip to the bathroom.

I was just living it up in my own world of body slams, back-breakers and booze when I sidled up to the urinal. Sitting on the next urinal, I saw something that cut me to the quick. I saw a bottle of Smirnoff Ice half full of piss. In the bathroom. On top of the urinal. Oh yes, I was in World Wrestling Entertainment country.

So, I got to thinking, either someone peed in the bottle in the bathroom or they peed in it in the auditorium. They wouldn't have done it in the bathroom, but that begs the question: Why is it now in the bathroom? You might say the bottle's one-time owner must have been very considerate and didn't want to leave it for some poor janitor. Then why leave it on TOP of the urinal? Someone still has to clean that up.

Then there's the issue of transportation. How'd he get that piss bottle to the bathroom? Did he just walk down the hall carrying the piss bottle or did he put it in his pocket? I have studied game theory extensively, and even I have no idea how to balance the risk of spilling piss in my pocket with the risk of being discovered walking around in public with a bottle of piss.

Further complicating matters, what self-respecting heterosexual man could bring himself to drink Smirnoff Ice at a WWE event? Only chicks and gay men drink Smirnoff Ice. Can a chick even pee in a bottle?

What I'm trying to say is that I finally found a mystery I can't solve. All I know is that when I find you, you peeing-in-bottles-and-leaving-it-in-the-bathroom guy, I've got a steel chair with your name on it.

Or maybe a stop sign.

df5d2@mizzou.edu