Column:

What Soulja Boy don't tell 'em might hurt 'em

By Charles Austin

Published Oct. 2, 2007

I have in my figurative, digital hands a copy of the hottest album of the decade. I am talking about none other than Souljaboytellem.com, the hotly anticipated debut album from 16-year-old internet sensation Soulja Boy.

For the good of the community, I am going to listen to the entire album and give a review so fair and so balanced it will make Fox News green with envy.

The album begins with an allusion to Pinky and the Brain, by way of a conversation between Soulja Boy and Mr. Collipark. Now, beginning an album with a reference to a children's cartoon might seem sophomoric, but behind this seemingly offbeat allusion lays the workings of a genius. Soulja Boy intends to establish dominance among his older, more established peers by setting up a parallel between himself and Brain, the aforementioned cartoon's super-intelligent protagonist.

I hope these grandiose aspirations are embarrassing to Soulja Boy five years from now, when he's listening to this album on his headphones in line waiting to collect his unemployment check.

Following the intro, the first song in earnest is "Crank Dat (Soulja Boy)", a tried and true radio smash sensation. This song is annoying, repetitive and juvenile.

"So much ice hanging off my neck," Soulja Boy proclaims on the third track, "Sidekick." That line is certainly to establish that he too is familiar with every cliché in the book.

By writing a song about phones, Soulja Boy has found a niche for rapping about products that even Nelly wouldn't rap about, and he'll fucking rap about shoes. "Man I can't believe that I'm rappin' 'bout a phone."

Me neither, Soulja Boy.

The next track on this gem is "Snap and Roll", apparently a half-assed reinvention of "Crank Dat (Soulja Boy)". This originally seemed to be something of note upon first listening to this track. But in retrospect, I realize track on this album is a parody of every other track.

"Snap or die, folk," Soulja Boy proclaims. At this point I'm really not sure which I'd rather do.

The next track is called "Bapes," which, as far as I can tell, are extremely overpriced shoes that look like something a 12-year-old would wear.

Considering Soulja Boy is not much older than 12 and — judging by the material on this album — is hardly cognizant, this was a logical choice for him. Someone needs to make some trendy $500 shoes with Velcro and lights that flash when you take a step, for Soulja Boy's sake.

Later, on "Booty Meat," Soulja Boy encourages women worldwide to "shake that booty meat." If only Soulja Boy were old enough to gain admittance to the club, perhaps this track would be less embarrassing for everyone involved.

"Man, I just got my report card today, man," Soulja Boy informs us at the start of "Report Card".

"I had all Fs on it," he begins, and you can just imagine his stupid face glowing as he continues. "I took it back to the teacher and told her to throw some Ds on it."

A lesser man might feel sorry for someone who could even conceive of such a trite joke, but personally I think Soulja Boy's teacher graded him pretty fairly.

cran7d@mizzou.edu