Column:

Who is Ron Paul?

By Ryan Beck

Published Oct. 26, 2007

Voting is in the air. There are Democratic and Republican primaries afoot in many states, Missouri Students Association elections are right around the corner (vote Jim Kelley-Chelsea Johnson) and people are about to start voting for "The Next Great American Band" on FOX.

But, if you haven't noticed, there is one question that is hanging in the balance between good and evil: Who is Ron Paul? Yes, his name is written all over campus at the bottom of every staircase, the side of every building and in the face of every person who walks with their head down. So, who is Ron Paul, other than someone who owns a lot of chalk?

Is presidential candidate Ron Paul a superhero? If so, does he have superpowers? Heroes have to have superpowers, otherwise, how super can they really be? Spiderman is a superhero, but who is he? Peter Parker. But is Ron Paul so super that his identity should not be revealed? These are all questions that only amplify the myth that is Ron Paul.

Ron Paul must be a great guy if somebody chalked up all of campus to find the answer to this question.

That's why I made it the job of this daring columnist to go out on the streets and ask people, "Who is Ron Paul?" I was met with some immediate hostility, most students shunned me and a few threw Ad Sheets in my general direction.

But of the two people I polled, there was an even split between. Fifty percent of students said "Ron Paul is boring," and the other 50 percent of students said "Ron Paul? Is that the cross-dressing TV personality?" to which I responded, "No, that's RuPaul." My poll is subject to plus or minus 1 percentage point given the margin of error.

Anyhow, I decided to gather facts in a more professional manner, so rather than asking the actual general public their thoughts on this issue, I decided to go to Wikipedia.org to find out what some guy sitting in his underwear on his computer says the actual public should think about Mr. Ron Paul.

Apparently Mr. Paul is a Republican congressman from Texas and happens to be a presidential candidate.

Who knew?!

I was banking on him being another cross-dresser. But no, Ron Paul is an anti-war candidate who wants to abolish the Internal Revenue Service and many other federal agencies and believes income tax is unconstitutional.

So, that's who Ron Paul is? I feel disappointed. I would have been more satisfied if someone wrote, "Who is John Edwards?" all around campus. Yes, although it seems my quest to find out who Ron Paul is had ended. I retreated back to my home and made some waffles.

Then it hit me: Now that I know who Ron Paul is, why should I care? The man only has 2 percent voter support in the primary elections. I could get 2 percent. Hell, a man dressed in a giant mustard bottle costume could get 2 percent in the primaries. And guess what? I just so happen to own a giant mustard costume. That is why I am challenging Congressman Paul to a debate. I have contacted his campaign manager, and I actually talked to him. When Congressman Paul takes me up on my challenge and comes to Columbia, I will break out that giant mustard costume and debate him on the facts, people.

Then we will see who Ron Paul really is. And if all goes as planned, there will be milk and cookies for those in attendance.

Love,

Ryan Beck

rjbwbc@mizzou.edu