Column:
The Dan Friesen list of manly men
Published Oct. 30, 2007
This week, Askmen.com released its annual list of the 49 manliest men in the world. I should just stop reading this sort of list; it never ends well. Every time I read Maxim's 100 Hottest Women or Stuff's 100 Choicest Racks, I inevitably end up screaming at the magazine at least 83 times, and swearing that the world has gone completely crazy and I'm the only person in the world who has a grip.
I mean, seriously, how can Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen costar Allison Pill get passed over year after fucking year? It's just not right.
As angry as I get when I find that my conception of attractiveness doesn't match popular opinion, that's nothing compared to how angry I got reading this list of "manly" men. Askmen.com wanted us to believe that these men are the best representatives of what our gender is, something in which I have a bit of a stake.
Case in point: Ryan fucking Seacrest is No. 27 on the list. Ryan Lame-Ass Seacrest. Ryan Seacrest is remarkable only in the fact that he is able to make American Idol, a shitty show, even worse. Justin Timberlake is No. 5. Have we completely forgiven all those homoerotic music videos 'N Sync made? Just because he sang "SexyBack"?
I only saw two people on the list that I would qualify as good examples on maleness: Rick Rubin and Sacha Baron Cohen.
All the rest were pop celebrities like Seacrest and Timberlake or old flabby businessmen. I'm not entirely sure what makes someone a great man; defining masculinity is like defining pornography, I know a man when I see one.
To make up for the misinformation and cultural damage Askmen has caused, I shall now give my list of the top five men. I would make a full 49-man list, but I am too much of a real man. That is to say that I'm lazy.
5) James Clement from Survivor: China
Although his position in the game is tenuous, Clement is a beast of a man. He beats everyone's ass in the challenges and he has no patience for complainers. He embodies three of the pillars of masculinity: strength, honor and impatience for the weak.
4) Dave Attell
Dave Attell is an astounding comedian. He also is a chubby, bald man who has no interest in wearing a wig or working out. He is willing to make jokes about anything, regardless of who might be offended, thus embodying three further pillars of masculinity: obscenity, comfort with one's imperfections and unwillingness to change yourself because other people tell you that you should.
3) CT from Real World: Paris
CT is a great drunk. He embodies the uniquely male version of stupidity that is sweeter and more pure than milk from a freshly shucked coconut. He is the perfect combination of bad-decision making, unbridled testosterone and a penchant for drinking to the point of a blackout.
2) Adam Carolla
Adam Carolla is almost the perfect man. He has keen insight into the human condition, seeing things as they are, not as he wishes them to be. He takes power and does exactly what he wants to do, not letting anyone direct him. He has a precise eye for reality, is iconoclastic and plays by his own rules: Those are the three highest pillars of manhood, the ones most strive for but never achieve. Yet, he couldn't take the top spot. That honor belongs to ...
1) The guy who invented the Coors Light coldness-indicating can. I mean, that is the greatest invention of all time. Greater even than paper or irrigation. Never again will I end up accidentally drinking warm Coors Light, which I have said many times is the third biggest problem in my life, right behind "mommy issues" and bitterness at my own inability to take part in pop trends.
df5d2@mizzou.edu
