Column:

Who is Charles Austin?

By Charles Austin

Published Oct. 30, 2007

For years now, there have been murmurs seeping out from the underworld of the MU campus, only occasionally breaking into the public consciousness. In hushed tones and careful whispers, a few private circles have been discussing someone whose name, until this point, was as kept as quiet as that of Lord Voldemort.

But the public can't wait any longer. The proponents of the movement have taken to the streets, blitzing the campus with a guerilla graffiti campaign that was completely an original idea no candidate for anything else has ever done before. In the past, supporters were content to sit idly by and wait for the time to strike, but ladies and gentlemen, the time has finally come. All across the campus — nay, the world — people are asking, "Who is Charles Austin?"

Well, I am Charles Austin, and I think it's time I shed some light on my stances on the issues, and clear up all the rumors and speculation that have been circulating around this landmark guerilla campaign that has taken the campus by storm.

Firstly, I am pro-animal abortion. For far too long in this country, house cats and wild wolves alike have had nowhere to turn after a night of unfortunate promiscuity, or even worse, a brutal animal rape. Back-alley animal abortions are a reality in this country, folks, whether we choose to acknowledge the issue or not. According to my crack team of esteemed statisticians, more than 6,000 animals receive back-alley abortions each week, a number that has been steadily rising for the past six decades.

Sure, we can continue to look the other way, just as we have since the Eisenhower administration, but look where that has gotten us. I'm not afraid to take a stance on this contentious issue, and I think you'll find few other people are willing to open up about it in a public forum.

Perhaps the most controversial platform of my campaign is my groundbreaking stance on tax reform, as well as on the U.S. currency system as a whole. People don't like taxes. Our tax system is a cut

and dry example of a tyrannical government raping and pillaging its own cities and towns, stealing billions of dollars from its own citizens to fund its addiction to war and fear mongering. The time has come to do away with taxes and with currency as a whole. Money has been slowing this country down for too long, and it's worthless. If you need any proof, look no further than the almighty Canadian dollar, which towers above our own pathetic dollar like a three-headed cyborg ninja with laser nunchucks from

the future.

If elected, I motion that we bring back bartering. It worked for countless civilizations for eons and eons — as my research indicates — and I don't see why we ever tried to get rid of the system in the first place.

Now I know what you're thinking:

"I back your campaign wholeheartedly, but where can I vote for you?"

Well, folks, today, in the hallowed pages of The Maneater, I am officially announcing my candidacy for everything.

I am asking for your vote anywhere you can place it. Whether it is in the Republican primaries, the student government elections, American Idol or the competition to see which new flavor of Doritos is best.

Write in my name the next time you vote for anything at all. A vote for me is a vote for freedom, and the only people who hate freedom are lily-livered liberal terrorist lovers.

cran7d@mizzou.edu