Column:

Winning the war on Christmas

By Charles Austin

Published Nov. 13, 2007

It's early November, and we all know what that means: Christmas season is in full swing. The 12 days of Christmas have quickly become the 12 months of Christmas, and I know it's getting hard for some people to keep track of when they are supposed to start celebrating. To help with this persistent problem, I've devised a formula that keeps track of when to begin the festivities.

You take the approximate number of years since Jesus' birth (x), divide by 2.75 (the "Adequate Celebration Period Constant") and the resulting answer is how many days in advance you need to be begin celebrating. For example, in the year 35 AD, Christmas was to be celebrated starting 12.72 days before the actual date (35/2.75). This year, the equation (2007/2.75) works out to 729.81, which means it's just about time to start celebrating Christmas 2009.

I know what you're thinking:

"It seems like just yesterday I bought presents for Christmas 2008!"

I'd love to pretend I have sympathy for this mentality, but if you're still feeling the aftereffects of 2008's Christmas shopping, then it's time to step aside, grandpa. Personally, I'm doing my Christmas shopping extra early this year. My son is going to love this Tickle Me Elmo doll whenever he's born.

Now, before you rush out to buy an iPod touch for your future grandchildren, journalistic integrity requires that I give both sides of this story.

Believe it or not, there are some loons out there who believe that the commercialization of Christmas has — get this — gone too far. I'd liken these people to fans of Modest Mouse before 2004. People who appreciate Christmas from a religious standpoint alone are like people who thought The Moon & Antarctica was a masterpiece and everything that followed is not worthwhile. These are the people that scoff when they hear "Float On" being played at Wal-Mart as the mindless masses shovel heaps of Harry Potter paraphernalia into their carts the day after Thanksgiving.

On the other end of the spectrum, people who appreciate Christmas only from a secular standpoint are like people who heard "Float On" on the radio and might or might not have bought Good News For People Who Love Bad News. They're familiar with radio singles like "Dashboard," and they appreciate what they know of Modest Mouse, even if they don't know that songs like "Dramamine" existed long before "The Ocean Breathes Salty" ever came into being. Watching the religious right bicker about Wal-Mart ruining Christmas is like watching entitled hipsters argue that Modest Mouse has sucked since "Float On" became popular. Even if you don't like the recent developments in the way Christmas has turned out, there's no one forcing you to take part. You can still go to church; you can still listen to "The Stars Are Projectors."

Although Christmas has become a primarily secular affair, this doesn't ruin anyone's experience. Some can still reflect on the birth of Jesus Christ, some can hang Flavor Flav-themed ornaments from the branches of their plastic mini-trees; some can do both and everyone can appreciate the spirit of the season.

Whether we prefer "Tiny Cities Made of Ashes" or "Missed the Boat," the point is that we all like Modest Mouse.

cran7d@mizzou.edu