Column:

Crime and Anderson Cooper

By Ryan Beck

Published Nov. 2, 2007

Crime and punishment: Yes, they make the world of law go 'round. But there are times when the two switch places.

I am a victim of a horrible crime — an injustice to all of humankind, if you will. My rights have been infringed upon, that is, my right to park wherever I want. I received a parking ticket. My right to put my car where I want should be protected. Where is Ron Paul when you need him?

Here's the story: I parked my car at a meter downtown, and I walked right inside the bank.

After waiting in the never-ending line and finally getting my deposit transacted, I casually walked outside. I have found it is better to casually walk in and out of banks, because if you run inside, people think you have a gun or something. Sure, I technically broke the law by not putting my quarters into the meter, but there is nothing wrong with that. I was just saving my quarters for my bank transaction.

I can't afford to pay for 50 minutes of parking when I am only inside for 10. I am a bargain shopper, and it is just not a good deal to waste 40 valuable minutes.

It's like my money isn't worth anything anymore. If I can't even use pennies for a parking meter, then why do pennies exist? All change should be allowed, and this way, I can save my quarters for more important things, like phone calls and lollipops.

Speaking of quarters, why does Kansas have a buffalo on its state quarter? Is Kansas known for buffalo, or am I missing something? If I could change the Kansas state quarter, I would make it an elegant simple design, perhaps a man gnawing his own arm off because he could not think of anything better to do while residing in the flat, lonely and apparently buffalo-inhabited state of Kansas.

Frankly, I think the Kansas state quarter should only be worth 24 cents. I digress.

Anyway, I should not be punished for not feeding the meter all of my precious coins. There are so many other things for which I could use my change. I see many commercials on television with poor African children that say, "You can feed these kids for just cents a day. Just some spare pocket change will feed these children," and I can't help but think to myself, "Why do Ethiopians eat money?"

Maybe it's me, but as far as the whole "Invisible Children" thing goes, I am a bit confused. How do these kids keep getting kidnapped if no one can see them? Why don't they just use their super powers to blend into the environment? I need answers, people.

Honestly, though, I really feel for the people in Africa. It's not polite to joke because many bad things seem to happen in Africa.

There was a report about Darfur done by one of my favorite reporters, Anderson Cooper.

The story was sad, but it was Anderson Cooper, so I just had to keep watching. Now, I don't like Anderson because of his witty remarks, hard-nosed journalism or cutting-edge interviews; no, I like Anderson Cooper because I think he might actually be a Siberian husky. The man has silver hair and eyes that make you want to rub his belly. If it looks like a dog and barks like a dog, it must be an employee at CNN. I have an interesting fact you might want to know if you are ever hangin' with Mr. Cooper: Most people are unaware of this, but Anderson Cooper actually is his own best friend.

Love, Ryan Beck

rjbwbc@mizzou.edu