Column:

The football team is No. 1 — you're not

By Ryan Beck

Published Nov. 30, 2007

Hey, great news: The football team is ranked No. 1 in the nation. Shocking, yes; I'm sure you hadn't noticed. It is pretty amazing I even found out, seeing as how it isn't on every major news station, and nobody has said a word about it in everyday conversation. Actually, though, this is phenomenal, but the strange thing is that people don't know how to handle it.

Ladies and gentlemen of the 'Zou, let me present my first piece of evidence: the Facebook.com application. I have school spirit, I am a student athlete, I write for the student paper (clearly), but I don't need to tell all of Facebook my "Missouri Football Fan" status. I have gotten so many offers to add this application.

Next, I'm not on the football team. I'm lacking what some would call "200 pounds of muscle." That's why I don't need people — who do not go to MU, mind you — congratulating me on the football team being No. 1 in the country.

The rugby team is No. 6. Does anyone recognize us for that? No. (But I would formally like to congratulate my fellow ruggers on this

accomplishment.)

Please, people, don't act like I had anything other than my tuition money to contribute to MU's success in the Bowl Championship Series.

This brings me to my next point: I don't play football. In fact, only about 100 people can claim to be on the team. Our campus is made up of about 30,000 people.

Thus, if I hear another person say, "We worked so hard to be No. 1," I am going to go crazy.

No, "we" did not work hard; the players and coaches got us to the Big 12 Championship, and they deserve all the credit in the world for this. Listen up guy-updating-his-status-on-Facebook-every-hour, don't try to reflect those golden rays of praise from the football players to your stupid Facebook page.

But the "we" can be thrown around in casual conversation: "Who do we play this weekend?" or "I can't believe we are ranked so highly. After all, West Virginia is awesome."

This usage is fine, but when credit starts to be transferred from the real college football players and the guys that pretend to be Chase Daniel on "NCAA Football 08" for Xbox 360, we start to have a problem.

As I have stated time and time again, Kansas sucks. Now the whole nation knows it. The Kansas football team came so close but could not seal the deal. It was like watching a nervous virgin on a date. The first half of the game looked like Notre Dame has looked all year — like a high school team.

If any Golden-Domer fans or even the team itself has a problem with me saying that, I dare you to come after me.

I will just paint a goal line at my feet, and Notre Dame will never be able to cross it.

This college football season has seen some strange upsets and occurrences. Now that the Jayhawks have been put in their place, people have started to realize they didn't play anybody of worth this season (counting Nebraska and Colorado), and they have been exposed.

The only thing left to make this season truly magical and memorable will be a victory against that backwoods we-wish-we-were-Texas team known as the Oklahoma Sooners.

rjbwbc@mizzou.edu