Column:

Who needs writers when you have Friesen?

By Dan Friesen

Published Dec. 4, 2007

I've been reading a lot about the Writer's Guild of America strike, and from where I'm sitting, it looks like this baby could last a while. Every article I read says we should expect to see more unscripted material, such as game shows and reality shows, in the coming weeks. You know what that means: it's time for me to cash in on a couple of new pitches.

1) Ghosts, Goats and Gary

Gary Busey is locked in Glamis Castle in Scotland with three goats for two months. He is charged with keeping them alive without ever exiting the castle walls. More than enough food and water to keep Busey and the goats alive has been hidden around the castle by a team of detectives led by criminal profiler Dayle Hinman, and very subtle clues to the rations' whereabouts have been left for Busey. For every goat that survives, the network will donate $10,000 to a charity of Busey's choice. And the castle's haunted. Freak out!

2) So You Think You Can Write?

NFL legend Randall Cunningham, porn star Jenna Jameson, Fabian Basabe of "Filthy Rich: Cattle Drive" and the Snapple Lady all live in a house and have to write treatments for proposed novels. All their novels should revolve around the inescapably cruel nature of time and related themes. The first half of the season involves all four of them writing their treatments. Then, during Sweeps week, we'll have the big judging episode where a literary panel made up of Toni Morrison, Dan Brown and Kinky Friedman will decide which two celebrities will continue on for the rest of the season. They will go on to develop their novels until the season finale, when the panel will declare a winner whose novel published by FOX Books.

3) Short on Time

Verne Troyer, Peter Dinklage and the World Wrestling Entertainment's Hornswoggle have to transport a donor heart from Los Angeles to New York City within five days in a Dodge Dart, or else the intended recipient won't survive. They can take turns driving, but here's the catch: at least one of them has to be drunk at all times. And not just buzzed either — they have to be seriously drunk. Will they rationalize that driving drunk is OK if you're delivering a life-saving heart? Will Dinklage take it upon himself to drive the whole way, not trusting his two tripmates? Will one man the wheel while another works the pedals? Tune in Fridays at 7 p.m. to find out!

4) The Bill for Love

Bill Pullman and Bill Paxton have plastic surgery to switch faces a la Face/Off. What will each Bill learn from seeing the world through the eyes of another loser, has-been actor named Bill? Tune in Saturdays at 6 p.m. to find out!

5) Sandwich of Rock

Former Headbangers Ball host Riki Rachtman and Kajagoogoo lead singer Nick Beggs join forces to open a sandwich shop across the street from a Quiznos. Will Beggs' avant-garde approach to topping selection be too much for Rachtman's thrash sensibilities? What can they possibly do to top the Mesquite Chicken with Bacon? Will they serve soup? Will it be in a bread bowl? Find out Tuesdays

at 9 p.m.

6) Racist Redemption

Celebrity racists Michael Richards and Duane "Dog" the Bounty Hunter join old school racist Mark Fuhrman to seek penance for their past transgressions by traveling to Sudan to build a school and an AIDS hospital. Will providing genuinely selfless service for a wounded African community be a transformative experience for our racists? Will they turn a blind eye to the humanity of the Sudanese and see the political and social tumult into which they're thrown as proof that their initial racially biased opinions were right after all? Will Janjaweed rebels kidnap them? Viewers will find out Wednesdays at 8 p.m.

Stay on strike as long as you want, Writer's Guild. While you're freezing your ass off outside Rockefeller Plaza, I'll be raking in the cash with these innovative reality show ideas.

df5d2@mizzou.edu