Column:

Dan's back to Earth, er... U.S.

By Dan Friesen

Published Feb. 20, 2007

Children: I am home. I returned on Thursday as planned. The flight was nice, with fair skies and smooth landings abounding. I assure you I rode in the lap of luxury thanks to the generosity of Bevis' parents. I would worry about future legal trouble, but I purchased the tickets online from a library computer and had them reserved for a "Dirk Tungsten," an alias for whom I possess full identification. I had Paramonga's reserved for "Moopsie Baureguard."

We invented the identity in between searching chess bars in Bangkok. I told him about the innumerable times Dirk Tungsten had helped me escape charges including high-sea piracy, pandering and gross sexual imposition (I was set up — long story. But really, who's to say which sexual imposition is gross and which is not? I ask, who is to judge?) He couldn't wait to get an alias of his own.

I must give a heartfelt thank you to the Legion of Black Collegians for organizing a little get-together to welcome me home. I admit, I had some preconceived notions about what the party would be like. The "legion" did nothing to shatter my prejudices. The gathering was exactly what I expected: Matzah ball soup, manischewitz and dancing the night away to the sweet sounds of klezmer. It was nice to come back from a trip so full of new, foreign experiences and be thrust back into familiar territory.

The aura of comfort and familiarity was not to last. I went back and meticulously studied all the issues of this paper I missed while I was away, and I discovered that I missed a lot of important "issues that affect MU students" while on sabbatical:

1. The campus is aflutter with condom talk. Condom this, condom that. What's the big deal, I ask? College students fuck. College students fuck in the residence halls.

A lot of the males living in the halls are squirrelly freshmen who might be too bashful or nervous to buy condoms. A lot of the females living in the halls are stupid and might allow said squirrelly dudes to invade their vaginas with uncovered penises.

Then of course, even among only slightly stupid people, every now and again something "just happens." You know, you and a young lady are having a great study session and decide to go back to your room. You have a couple of boozes and before you know it, she's got a hand on your wang. Having no condom, you promise to pull out, but it slips your mind; you were too busy conjugating French "-ir" verbs in the past tense in a doomed attempt to not cum in the first minute.

Why not make it easier for adults to be responsible while at the same time theoretically adding a couple of minutes to their sex clock? Where's the downside?

To me, what this all boils down to is the university attempting to take on the role of the overprotective parental figure, afraid to admit that we are adults, shaking their finger and yelling at us, "Not while you live under my roof." Cool out, Pops. Give the kids their condoms before they get pregnant or catch a social disease. Also, I need to borrow the van.

1. Elson Floyd's leaving. I don't care.

I just got back, and I already want to leave.

Dan's Announcements:

I recently realized that I'm not going to be able to write for this rag forever. To prepare for that eventuality, I started a blog. I wouldn't want something like editors wising up and firing me to get in the way of our relationship. Also, on my blog, AIDS jokes fly.