Column:

Friesen: 'I can service a horse.'

By Dan Friesen

Published Feb. 27, 2007

This weekend, I learned that there are going to be some changes in funding for a few departments at the university, and I must say I couldn't be happier.

Money and funding is the university's way of telling groups and departments exactly where they stand. You want to know how important you are? Find out how much money you're getting, there's your answer.

I recently found out that I am not making the $10,000 per semester I demanded after Winter Semester 2006 but am in fact still making exactly what Lacey Hanson made semesters ago: $10 a week. And she didn't even go in for rounds of negotiations like I did.

Maybe I'm closed-minded, but I think that some majors and paths of study are more, dare I say, noble than others.

You know what I mean. People with certain specializations, like journalism or textile and apparel management, can do more to improve society than others.

That's why I was glad to read in Friday's issue of this rag that not only was $1.6 million in federal money cut from the agriculture school budget, but $1.4 million was also added to the journalism school's budget for construction.

Now, I know a lot of you out there are saying, "But Dan, you're totally biased. You're a journalist, therefore your opinion on the matter isn't pure." Hogwash, I say. The fact that I, Dan Friesen, am a journalist really serves to prove my argument.

Plus, we all know that "bias" is just a buzzword thrown around by the liberal, secular progressive media establishment to bork rational, right-thinking Supreme Court appointees who happen to think that fetuses are people and gays aren't.

You see, one of the things I've learned over the years is that the print media is the most powerful and influential force in the free world. What we do is tell the world what's going on. We observe things and we write about them, so all the busy people in the world don't have to find things out for themselves. We tell the truth to the masses.

Seriously, what do you agriculture people do? Drive a plow and jerk off livestock? Yeah, real important. I assure you, I can drive stick, and if the situation came to it, I could service a horse.

Can you farmers dig through all the daily events and weave a coherent yarn explaining why any of it matters? No way. I've read the papers that come out of the country. They have headlines like "O'Flannigan Cow Farts."

Nice try. Tell you what: You stick to the bovine handjobs, we'll stick to the important work of print.

We aspire to live in big cities, writing for important, high-social impact papers. You aspire to spread manure for a living.

We pass the time playing Scrabble or Taboo to expand our minds. You play horseshoes. We like a nice classy scotch after a long day's work. You drink bathtub gin.

We need fancy equipment to ensure a good layout. We need everything to be state-of-the-art. There's not a piece of farm equipment on this Earth that isn't covered in rust.

We need, and let's not forget deserve, the increased funding. We're making a difference. We're important.

Now, how am I going to wet my beak in that $1.4 million? Stokes, time for another round of negotiations.