Column:

An evil scientist made white people

By Dan Friesen

Published March 14, 2007

(Columnist's note: The pussy, douche bag editors of this jizz rag of a paper have declined to print my column for this week. Fear not, you can read it on my blog. I doubt they'll print the blog's Web address, but it's worth a shot anyway. Instead of a column I actually wanted to go in the paper, you will get some bland, fairly boring and fairly angry rant.)

I was happily watching "Hannity and Colmes" before I got the e-mail from my editor, Jacob Stokes, explaining that he was not going to run my article about going to rehab. He and the other editors claimed to "not get it." They wanted me to make more points. They thought no one who read it would "get it."

I noticed on "Hannity and Colmes" that they were talking a lot about Mitt Romney and his Mormon faith. They were decrying the liberals who "attacked" him over his faith. Hannity has a lot of friends in the Church of Latter-Day Saints. What is this feeling? Am I agreeing with Sean Hannity for once? This feels weird, as if my soul is descending into a hole, a stygian abyss. It felt a lot like all those times I lost all desire to write for this crappy paper after fights with editors.

I sat down to think about the repercussions of me taking Hannity's side, and thankfully, a little bird whispered in my ear: What did the show say about Barack Obama?

I seem to recall Mr. Hannity allowing a guest to compare Obama's church to a cult. Oh, that's right, that was on the Feb. 28 edition of the show. But that was because they preached an "Afrocentric" breed of Christianity. If you say "black power," everyone's with you. But replace "black" with "white," and you've got a shit storm on your hands.

But wait, doesn't it say in the book of Mormon, in the book of 2 Nephi: "And he had caused the cursing to come upon them because of their iniquity that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them."

I'm not sure how to rationalize that one.

Listen, people, we need to realize that these stories that religions are based on are probably not true, and when we get into serious arguments about which one is good and which one is bad, we end up looking ridiculous.

In this spirit of religious subjectivity, I have decided to announce my conversion to the Nation of Gods and Earths, a branch of Islam too severe even for Malcolm X.

You see, I have learned that the black man is the original man of the planet, and that the evil scientist Yacub made all the white people in a lab. These evil creations were to rule the world for 6,000 years until the original man reclaims his status as king.

Now, I know what a lot of you are saying: "Dan," you're saying, "You're white. How can you embrace this theology that looks upon you as the spawn of an evil scientist?" To this I have a few answers:

1. Just in case the members of the nation are correct, and the time of reckoning will one day come, I want to hedge my bets and get in good with the future leaders. Come on, do you think that atheists don't sometime pray inside their heads? It's an insurance policy.

2. I've always had self-loathing tendencies, and this religion offers me an outlet for them that is legally recognized and cannot be discriminated against.

Is that enough of a point for you, Stokes? Arm, leg, leg, arm, head. I'm out.