Column:
Engineers only get down on E-week
Published March 20, 2007
As you might recall, last week, The Maneater's editors refused to print my column, insisting that I had an obligation to "make points" and not submit articles that consist of "pure fiction." As you can probably imagine, I did not take this well.
At first, I was livid and called our editor in chief to yell at him for a good half hour, trying to remind him that a significant number of my more than 50 columns for this paper have been utter nonsense.
It was a productive conversation, full of obfuscation and editor-speak from his end and many a threat to quit from mine. If they really need someone to make points, I told them I was sure Lacey Hanson would enjoy finishing the semester for me.
Well, after my glib insults and adolescent threats failed to have any effect on their editorial decisions, I resolved myself to have a good sit about this one. I sat, and I thought.
The end result of my sitting turned out to be me thinking that perhaps I should try to make more points and make my writing relevant to more than just my 12 friends who read my column regularly. For the last three semesters, this column has been about me, my voice and my retarded notions.
Well, no longer. From this day forth, this column is about you, the person who picks up this crappy paper for the first time and has no context in which to understand my writing. It's about "campus issues." It's about what matters to you living in the residence halls, which, by and large, don't include my dick.
Let me tell you, this "making points" thing is harder than I thought. I have no idea, nor do I care, about what's happening on campus. I look at my feet when I walk. I don't really talk to anybody about campus goings-on. I'm blissfully out of the loop.
Naturally, my first instinct was to read this paper to see what was in the news. Almost immediately, I saw a picture related to Engineering Week, and thought, "Hey, I've got some things to say about engineers. Yay! I've found something to make a point about!"
"E-Week," as the Es call it, is supposed to be a time when engineers are celebrated, and they cover that eyesore in Lowry Mall. I guess there are engineering activities all week, maybe some competitions. I don't know. I'm not an engineer.
What I do know is that the week basically serves as a time for engineers to remind everyone that they're not total nerds. Seriously, outside of agriculturalists, I've never met a more defensive group. Every self-identified engineer I've ever known is piss drunk all through E-Week.
I've been to E-Week parties, and I'm here to tell you that they overcompensate for their 51 other weeks of geekiness by throwing E-Week orgies that would make Caligula blush.
Things often get wildly out of control. Accidents are made, geeky babies are conceived.
So, here's my point: Engineers, you look ridiculous when you just party hard for one week yet keep insisting that "you engineers" know how to party, too. Spread the debauchery out. Make it a lifestyle if that's the image you so crave.
Non-Engineers, if you want to have sex with a nerdy girl while she draws a blueprint for a solar-powered car, find one of these E-Week parties and pretend to be one of them.
