Column:

Dan Friesen: sex columnist

By Dan Friesen

Published April 17, 2007

The public is restless. A mob is forming. The masses are gathering axes, bricks, locks and socks, awaiting my marching orders to begin dismantling this oppressive, exploitative system by any means necessary. Nick Trusty has been whisked away to a silo, the location of which, at press time, is undisclosed.

But for now, the revolution will have to wait. Very seldom does something or someone captivate me to the point where I feel the desire to pay them the ultimate compliment: emulation.

I was introduced this week to a sex column by Alicia Smith Jr. in MOVE magazine. I instantly regretted not being on the Alicia Smith Jr. bandwagon from day one. If you haven't read her column yet, I recommend it highly.

She seems to have delusions that she's some sort of small-town, college-paper Carrie Bradshaw. Let me be the one to tell you: Carrie Bradshaw could never write something this real, this raw, this informative, this honest.

Every column of hers I have read has been episodes of an adult field trip, highlighting great "secretive, devilish" places to have sex. So far, she has advised me to have sex in a movie theater, a park and in some water. These are top-notch tips. Speaking as a former manager of a movie theater, this is the first time I have heard anyone suggest sex in a theater.

My only real complaint, to tell the truth, is that she never addresses the issue of soiled condom disposal. Perhaps this weighs heavier on my heart as the soiled condom would be on my penis and would, therefore, be my responsibility. I can forgive this oversight, considering the depth of her insights.

I hope she doesn't take this the wrong way, but I would like to pay homage to my new second-favorite columnist (ain't no one unseating Matt Mitchell — not even if she does advocate sex on the monkey bars) by offering a few of my favorite places to have sex:

1. In a dumpster. If you're anything like my friends and I, you often wonder what the best day in a hobo's life would feel like. Well, there is a way to have this experience without actually becoming a drifter.

Just get your lady (or man) and head out to the closest dumpster. It sets the perfect mood, and maybe there will be a mattress in there already. Bonus tip: Sometimes the dumpsters behind toy stores will contain slightly damaged toys not fit for sale. Can anyone say "makeshift dildos"? Don't forget batteries.

1. In a cherry picker (one of those baskets electricians use to fix telephone poles.) I know all women in our age group have a certain amount of a Kate Winslet in "Titanic" fantasy (whether they admit it or not), and this is a perfect way to live it out. Now it might be a crime to steal one, but doing so is essential if you want the full experience of "bobbing, throbbing and hob-knobbing" over whatever you want. This location precludes certain positions such as the Wheelbarrow. I recommend the Standing 69 or the Jeweler's Loop.

2. In a truck-stop bathroom. I think this explains itself.

I hope these little tasty tidbits have helped expand and enhance your sex life. That really is my only goal. I'm not out to convince myself that my bizarre, sexual habits are normal, and everyone else is just repressed. I don't hope to boost my potential sexual draw by posing as a specialist. No, I only want to help you, John or Jane Q. Reader.

Until next time, remember, nothing is more rock 'n' roll than having sex without a condom.