Smith bottoms out with cover album

By Patrick Daugherty

Published April 27, 2007

"How would you feel if 27 of your children were blown away by missiles?" This is how Patti Smith addressed patrons at the Kidzapalooza stage at last year's Lollapalooza music festival. If someone brings up exploding bodies at something billing itself as a "Kidzapalooza," she might be an interesting person or have interesting things to say.

But we now have official confirmation: Patti Smith has nothing left to say. The proof? She's back with a covers album, insipidly titled Twelve.

The artists she chose to cover are about as exciting as wrapping a hose around one of those stupid things dumbasses wrap hoses around.

Jimi Hendrix, The Rolling Stones, Neil Young, Nirvana, The Beatles and Stevie Wonder songs are all represented here. Really?

The choices come in three categories. The obvious (Young's "Helpless"), the kitschily obvious ("Smells Like Teen Spirit" — she wouldn't even do "Rape Me") and the outrageously obvious (the Stones' "Gimme Shelter").

What, Patti doesn't' know any Beach Boys or Zeppelin?

There's not even one Milli Vanilli song or spoken word rendition of some unknown Moroccan poet's memoirs. The choices couldn't be more obvious unless she threw in "Crazy" or "Hey Ya!"

Our familiarity with the material wouldn't be a problem if Smith did anything new with it, but well, she doesn't. Her covers are equal parts unrecognizable (a voice that sounds like it was the winner of Elderly People Who Can't Sing Anymore Idol will do that) and laughably similar to the source material. Her "Gimme Shelter" sounds exactly like the original, only sung by a Rolling Stones cover band whose singer thinks he or she is a dying Patti Smith.

Her version of Jimi Hendrix's "Are You Experienced?" sounds like Jimi was awoken in the middle of the night and forced to play guitar with his eyebrows while singing like the girl from "The Exorcist."

"Smells Like Teen Spirit"? Well, let's just say a banjo doesn't do it any good.

Smith has obviously realized no one really cares about obscure covers, but the ones she has chosen are so ubiquitous that Twelve could be a Now That's What I Call Music '70s edition.

I used to think I could never sit through another Nick Drake cover, but after hearing Smith suck all the energy out of so many beloved '70s hits, I'd welcome her covering some dude no one had ever heard of before he was on a Volkswagen commercial.

Smith would have been better served releasing an album of originals so she could hide her voice, but of course that would mean she didn't stop saying relevant things 20 years ago.

And her voice is the biggest problem here. Legends, if you can call Smith that, have done good jobs of hiding blown voices in the past (see Johnny Cash, Bob Dylan and Brian Wilson), but Smith just can't hit the notes anymore. No amount of yelping or enunciating can hide this. It's like listening to a 90-year-old woman trying to sound like a 30-year-old Mick Jagger (or maybe a 90-year-old Mick Jagger trying to sound like a 30-year-old Mick Jagger). In other words, it is quite embarrassing and painful. Smith's vocals just aren't suitable to be committed to tape anymore.

Listen, I get it. Smith still wants to make music but can't write anymore (unless it's for Kidzapalooza). It happens to the best of them. But there truly is no justification for the existence of this album. Smith doesn't add anything to any of these songs. It's sad, but Patti, it's over. Horses was 30 years ago. Just leave this shit to Karen O now.