Column:

Ryan Beck: philanthropissed

By Ryan Beck

Published June 6, 2007

I saw a hitchhiker on the side of the highway with a big duffle bag, long hair and a peace sign embroidered vest.

I wanted to pick him up so badly, but with summer gas prices rising like the temperature, and the fact that I had just vacuumed out my car.

I didn't want to bank on the off chance that he was a clean hippie.

So, I was like, "Get to steppin' buddy," which I felt bad about because of that whole WWJD thing. But Jesus didn't know how to drive, so I imagine he would have walked, as well. Like I always say though: WWJD. Who wants Jack Daniels?

Anyway, some people look down upon hitchhiking, or picking up hitchhikers for that matter. People are always telling me not to do stuff. They'll say things like, "Ryan, hitchhikers will stab you," or "Stop looking at me like that! You are creeping me out!"

Sometimes, when I'm not getting told not to do things, I'll get a compliment that would be really nice coming from someone else. Like when my mom says, "Ryan, you're getting so strong." That's weird. About as weird as when my grandma says, "Ryan, your getting so big and handsome." For all of my life I haven't been able to figure out if my grandma is hitting on me.

But about the hitchhikers; clearly I won't pick up the murdering hitchhikers. I'll only pick up the ones that don't look like murderers.

Sure, you can never tell what some people will do based solely upon their appearance. But if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it might be balding 8-year-old with a kazoo.

You might not be supposed to judge a book by its cover, but Harry Potter might be a better read if there was a little Hermione skirt action on the cover. (That's OK to say now because Harry Potter is 18, right?)

But still, you can tell that a hippie hitchhiker is much less likely to kill you than the type of guy that has no luggage, is dressed in an old grey suit with a bow-tie, has beady eyes and a shrill voice.

Then again, instead of a murderer you might have just picked up the Pee-wee Herman of hitchhikers. Either way, murdering or not, I don't want Pee-wee Herman exposing himself in my car, especially if I just vacuumed.

Really though, why can't perpetually homeless people, like the nomad kinds, dress nicer? Is it that much to ask?

I'm not saying we need tuxedoed homeless, but just well enough that people don't get scared of them. Seriously, homeless people, how many shades of brown can you wear until you start to feel a little one-dimensional?

This is why I am promoting a new charity: "Ryan Beck's Duds for Buds." It's a caring organization designed to clothe, feed and breed some of the finest nomadic peoples since the Israelites.

I do have to hand it to the guy I saw on the highway, though.

He was hitchhiking through Kansas, the most boring state of all time.

Speaking of which, why does Kansas have a buffalo on its state quarter? Is Kansas known for buffalo, or am I missing something?

If I could change the Kansas state quarter, I would put a man gnawing his own arm off, because he couldn't think of anything else better to do while residing in the flat, lonely and apparently buffalo-inhabited state of Kansas.