Column: Look at me, I'm a 'journalist'

By Asim Thakore

Published July 11, 2007

Let's get one thing straight: I'm the columnist, and you're the reader. So sit down, shut up and read.

My only job is to give you, the readers (I'm working on the assumption that at least half of MU students are literate, although past experience suggests that I might be too optimistic in quoting such a lofty number), 600 words of fluff a week.

In fact, my contract states that I'm not actually allowed to make any points whatsoever, in light of the furor caused by the illustrious Mr. Friesen's anti-farm diatribe this past spring.

If you've a problem, take that up with the copy editors. Indeed, because of my overwhelming instinct for self-preservation, I have chosen to absolve myself of all responsibility and simply outsource my columns to freelance writers.

Therefore, continuing in the proud tradition of this paper, I hereby solemnly swear to hire columnists who only state the obvious, promote the status quo and/or come to conclusions that are woefully behind the times. So, without further ado, here is this week's contribution from an incoming freshman:

This is my first column. I am a columnist now. In fact, I am a professional journalist. I get paid $5 a week. Wow. This means I get a press badge and everything, and I get to go and shake important peoples' hands and do grown-up journalist things like ask two-part questions and wear raincoats with fedoras and be like my heroes Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein.

I'm, like, so excited about this. I'm going to tell everybody. I think I'll update my Facebook.com status to "Asim is a journalist now!" or maybe "Asim is now a journalist!" - whichever fits the Chicago Manual of Style. Listen to me, I sound like such a journalist. I wonder if they'll let me hang around the newsroom and yell things like "Stop the presses!"

I hope they give me one of those green visors. That would be sweet.

I hope I'm popular in college. I was the coolest person in my high school. I threw the coolest parties and everyone wanted to hang out with me. I wonder how people will know I'm cool? I mean, I know I'm naturally amazing, but there are, like, 90,000 kids at this school. I know, I can tell them about how I was head cheerleader and student council president and prom queen. Once they know that, they'll have proof.

Wait, I have to write things that make sense? 600 words? But I have so much work to do for J-1100, and my TA is so mean, and I already skipped three classes this semester, and when my parents dropped me off at college, I promised I wouldn't skip any. Can you just give me an idea to write about? I know I'm going to make such a difference in peoples' lives.

So anyway, you should be nice to people. It can really help people out, especially if they're having a bad day or something. Like this one time I was so stressed and crying and had a deadline to meet, but my editor helped me out with an idea. Because he was so nice, he really helped me grow as a person. OK, I'm going to go listen to some Dashboard Confessional now. I had so much fun being your columnist.

(Editor's Note: Asim doesn't have a contract.)