Column:

Back and ready to offend

By Dan Friesen

Published Aug. 21, 2007

Hello, children. Look who's back. That's right - I've been hired for a fifth semester of vitriolic, hateful ranting. It appears there's no stopping me.

For the benefit of the babies, the incoming freshmen and incoming freshladies who weren't here to witness all the shit that went down last year, I would like to relive a couple of my more glorious moments.

Last semester, the agricultural community rose as one to whine about a column I'd written regarding agriculture, specifically how worthless it is.

A group was started on Facebook.com that rose to more than 850 members in protest of my writing. I received more than 200 e-mails, some of which involved death threats from angry agriculturalists. My column was sent to message boards across the country, where agriculturalists of all stripes got offended by my assertion that journalism and textile and apparel management were far more noble majors than agriculture.

Representatives from Cargill and Monsanto, corporate beasts who themselves are actively working to crush the livelihoods of America's independent farmers, wrote letters to The Maneater in outrage.

Angry farmers demanded that I be fired more times than I can count.

And what came of it? I got hired for another semester. I get to retain my platform, and you sad sacks get to keep playing in the dirt and stewing about "that asshole columnist from MU."

Let me take you back two semesters to fall 2006. I've long been disgusted by the structure and inefficiency of our student government body, the Missouri Students Association. The organization's officials are overwhelmed by a non-functioning bureaucracy at best and at worst by crooked finks who pilfer student funds to go to the South By Southwest music festival and get drunk with their friends while watching Bright Eyes or whoever you pussy college hipster douchebags like this week.

I'd had enough and decided to run a renegade campaign for the MSA presidency. I set out to reform electoral policies, specifically those regarding MSA oversight and censoring of campaign materials.

I was alone with no one on my side other than the band 2 Live Crew, who came to town and headlined a rally in support of my candidacy.

Nick Trusty, a prominent member of the MSA hierarchy, published a letter to the editor in The Maneater defaming me in the middle of my run. Many an insulting e-mail came to me from MSA members, trying to impede the march of the revolution.

And guess what? Last semester, MSA declared that changes are going to be made regarding electoral policies and prior approval of campaign materials.

Don't you see, you complainers, that you can't stop me? You can write your whiny letters, you can protest, you can demand my termination and what does that get you? Nothing.

You stooge student government puppets want me to stop accusing you of things you've done? Kiss my ass. You agriculturalists want me to apologize for writing a joke (of which you weren't even the butt of) that you didn't understand? Kiss my ass.

I'm the voice of the people, the champion of the common man. I speak truth to power, but, unfortunately, I can't be aware of every injustice. If you have an institution you'd like me to call out, e-mail me. Come on, children, be the populi to my vox.