Column:

Jesus Shark: the second coming of Christ

By Charles Austin

Published Aug. 21, 2007

According to CNN.com, our one true lord and savior, Jesus Christ, has returned to our humble planet after all these years. You missed it though, because He already died, presumably for sins, but certainly not for yours. You see, Christ returned in 2001, but He did so in the form of a Hammerhead shark. Unfortunately, His glorious homecoming was cut tragically short by a murderous stingray, probably a reincarnated Pontius Pilate.

Anyhow, though this "Jesus Shark" was born and died in 2001, it took a number of years to conclusively prove that there was indeed no father. After a series of various cutting-edge DNA tests, it was finally proven beyond a doubt that this Hammerhead was a product of asexual reproduction.

"This phenomenon has now been demonstrated in all major vertebrate groups except for mammals," Florida shark researcher Bob Hueter told CNN.

Our pal Bob seems to have made one small oversight, though: the oversight of a particular Heaven-sent holy man by the name of Jesus Christ. Surveys show that until 2001, Jesus was the all-time most popular product of a virgin birth. But the times have changed, and it doesn't take an Ivy League scholar to draw the obvious conclusion that this fatherless shark was plainly and patently the Son of God himself. But what does this mean for us lowly humans?

Clearly, we have lost God's faith in us after a mere two millennia. Sharks have been dwelling in the depths since before the human race was in its metaphorical diapers, and finally their time has come. With the birth and death of this saintly shark, we are on the verge of ushering in a new era — the Era of the Shark.

We can't say we didn't allow this to happen, though. We humans set the stage perfectly for the Era of the Shark, and we did so in the form of global warming. Before too long, the polar ice caps will melt at a dramatic pace never before witnessed on this planet, and water will wash away the pitiful towns and cities we have affixed to the soil. With our antiquated cities and civilizations submerged and subdued by a world of water, the sharks will reign over this planet with an iron fist.

Many a cautionary tale was told about the impending threat of the Era of the Shark, but we did not adequately heed the warnings: Deep Blue Sea. Jaws. Jabberjaw. The list of prophetic cautionary shark tales goes on and on, but we just sat idly by, filling our minds with superfluous fluff like "Free Willy" and "Flipper." Had we sufficiently prepared for these treacherous sharks, we could have killed every last one of them.

But there's no use ruminating on what could have been. The Jesus Shark has already touched down on planet Earth, and there's little time left to act. I suggest we take a worldwide vow of celibacy and stop human childbirth in its tracks.

That way, when God realizes there are no humans being born, he'll grace us with another virgin-born Son on the basis of pity alone. We'll ride the spiritual significance of that little tyke for another two millennia and repeat the process yet again in the year 4000. The sharks might have their precious Jesus Shark, but we have the advantage of good old human ingenuity.