Column:

Friesen: conspiracy theorist and Fresca fan

By Dan Friesen

Published Sept. 11, 2007

Children, I think I've stumbled upon something huge.

A dubious part of the human condition is the propensity of some to latch on strongly to conspiracy theories, and to do so many times at the expense of their credibility or their personal safety.

I, like most humans, label these people as "crazy," and there's really not much anyone can do to convince me otherwise. Well, I guess that's not entirely honest.

There was that time my one-armed Vietnam veteran neighbor, Dean, fairly convincingly argued that the advances of human civilization and culture came to us from the Anunnaki, a group of ancient astronauts.

Now, it might have been the joint we smoked or it might have been the strength of Dean's rhetorical technique, but as I stumbled home that day, I was ready to believe that Jesus Christ, Alexander Graham Bell and David Clayton-Thomas were all extraterrestrial travelers from the Horsehead Nebula who came to Earth to improve and influence the development of life on this planet.

And I guess there was that month after I watched Mel Gibson's "Conspiracy Theory," when I started questioning everything unnecessarily. It was an embarrassing time for me, and I'd rather not delve too deeply into the details.

Suffice it to say that I took it as proof of the truth of my allegations that my mom sent me to time-out for distributing a newsletter accusing her of being a robot around the house.

So, here's what I'm on now: I love Fresca. It's a fantastic drink — it's crisp, it's light, it's refreshing and damn it, it tastes really good.

I remember really liking Fresca when I was younger, too. It could be said that my sixth- and seventh-grade years were my "Fresca Years."

For a decade after seventh grade, I hadn't drunk the soda. It's not that we had a falling out; it's just that after seventh grade, I stopped going to a school situated a hundred yards from a grocery store.

Eventually, the memory of my beloved soda waned until it disappeared and was replaced by a love for Dr. Pepper.

Then, in the last few weeks, I discovered a soda machine on the third floor of Lowry Hall that actually contains Fresca. I've been visiting the machine at least twice a day.

I've never seen another soda machine that offers Fresca. No restaurants or concession stands offer Fresca, and I can't remember ever seeing a Fresca commercial. Yet every person I discuss the drink with loves it and wishes it were more easily available.

The people want it and it's a quality product. So why is Fresca so elusive? The only answer I can come up with involves the Illuminati, David Icke and twelve of the 9/11 hijackers.

I can't really elaborate at this time, lest I be labeled an "alarmist" and have all the credibility I've worked so hard to establish dragged through the mud.