Column:

Dan Friesen for President, again

By Dan Friesen

Published Sept. 18, 2007

Children, there is more trouble afoot in the Missouri Students Association.

I opened up Friday's issue of this rag, and what should I see popping out of the pages but a headline that stated "New Rules for MSA Elections."

You can imagine my excitement. Finally, the system had been shown the error of its ways and was performing penance. Finally, the things that impede the march of freedom and genuine representation have been cast out of the way. Finally, I will claim my rightful place as MSA president.

Fantasies danced through my head of what my first scandal would be. I thought peeing on the dean was a pretty strong option, but in the back of my head, I knew getting drunk, stealing the Truman the Tiger costume and sucker punching the president of the MSA Senate on the senate floor would be more of a crowd pleaser.

But before I could make that crucial decision of whether I value meaning in my actions or public reaction more, I made the mistake of actually reading the article. Let me be the first to tell you that I was unimpressed.

The only thing that strikes me as new is the addition of a mandatory hearing before a slate of candidates can be kicked out of an election, which, quite frankly, is something that should have happened a long time ago. This isn't a military tribunal; we shouldn't have summary political executions.

The rest of the article goes on to explain that the Board of Elections Commissioners and MSA just want to clarify their rules, not change them. This is unsatisfactory.

First, it was made clear that slates could be allowed to miss one indoctrination meeting without penalty. I think I would skip the meeting, where I imagine they make the candidates stay awake for three days, sitting in solitary cells while the BEC chairwoman Amanda "Callisto" Morlock runs a strobe light and plays "Rainbow in the Dark" on repeat. I like Dio and all, but I also like saying things other than "diversity," "leadership" and "policy."

Second, there is this:

"Clarifications were made to the handbook to separate providing mistaken information on BEC forms from providing intentional false information. If a slate accidentally writes the incorrect date, misspells a word or something of that nature on a form, the members receive only a one-point penalty, but purposefully incorrect information will take two points from the slate."

What the fuck? You get docked a point for misspelling a word accidentally? I know we don't want to elect a president who can't spell, but really, do there need to be regulations? Goddamn power-tripping BEC.

The next thing that needed clarifying was the whole matter of how the BEC can censor any campaign materials they so choose. I expected the clarification to be about how they can censor some things (like slander, libel, threats, etc.), but not others. It turns out the clarification was that the BEC could censor anything they damned well please, which now includes videos.

Discussing the disaster that was last year's election, an MSA official said, "I feel that the student body was disappointed with the decision because they did not understand the BEC's role and the rules of the handbook."

This just goes to show how out of touch the members of our college's political elite are. The student body wasn't disappointed because they didn't understand the rules; they were disappointed because they understood all too well that the rules were bullshit.

All this is enough to get me to establish an exploratory committee to examine the possibility of me running for the presidency again. And that spells trouble for the Missouri Students Association.