'Woodcock' film flaccid

By Tanner Boyd

Published Sept. 21, 2007

You know you have a pretty lame movie when your title is the only thing going for it. "Mr. Woodcock" (tee-hee, woodcock) is a limp film in dire need of comedic Viagra. The dialogue is not witty, the slapstick is simplified into crotch shots and the acting stinks worse than a used jock strap.

Billy Bob Thornton plays Mr. Woodcock, an archetype for asshole gym teachers. In his years of "educating," he has largely affected one student, John Farley (Seann William Scott). Farley has left his hometown and former teacher behind to become a successful self-help author, but he is brought back to receive a distinguished honor. His homecoming is a nightmare when he learns that Woodcock is engaged to his mother (Susan Sarandon).

The script plays out as a mix between Oedipal conflict and machismo chest pounding, all to prove who is the real man. Unfortunately, the chemistry between Thornton and Scott is a stale and awkward mess. You will not find any funny lines in this abomination, save for an occasional Thornton one-liner, but even those are abysmal. Note to the screenwriters: Packaged meat/penis innuendo and comparing someone's athletic prowess to a Special Olympics participant are not exactly cutting-edge stuff.

At best, the film offers lukewarm chuckles, and at its worst, it screams "Pedophile!" In the first 10 minutes of the movie, Woodcock has a male student in his underpants and clinging to the pull up bar. In other flashbacks, he is checking the kids to ensure they are wearing cups and teaching them interesting positions in Greco-Roman wrestling. This kind of behavior doesn't really make the audience want to laugh at his antics, especially when he is one towel slap away from a "Dateline" cover story.

I would really like to see the bill AT&T sent the production company for this film, because all of the leads phoned their performances in. Thornton's Woodcock is exactly like his performance in "Bad Santa," except he is less funny and sports a whistle instead of a beard. Scott gives a dull run at playing the straight-man-turned-wacko, and when he does go off, it is not much more than a schoolgirl temper tantrum. Sarandon is nothing more than an object between the two males, and her lines are limited to the "Oh, how sweet of you" damsel. And no movie is going to earn fan points by having Tyra Banks make a cameo as herself. The only worthwhile member of the cast is Amy Poehler, who plays Farley's alcoholic agent.

Don't even waste your time with this flick. If you really want to see it, wait until it ends up in some cheap Billy Bob Thornton Douche Bag Collector Set with "Bad Santa" and "School for Scoundrels." Until then, you can giggle along with me and know that anyone who enjoyed this film will declare "I love Woodcock!"