Column:
Blessed is she that burpeth
Published Sept. 21, 2007
I was gingerly strolling by everyone's favorite library with a big smile on my face when, to my surprise, right in front of good old Ellis Library, there was a guy passing out mini-paper Bibles. Immediately, when I see someone trying to force a chore on me, I became dissatisfied.
I'm not one for collecting estranged paper products from the possibly homeless people on campus. To me, it seems as though they are saying, "Hey, here's something else we could have recycled. Why don't you throw it away for me?"
Anyhow, I was totally screwed when I got this mini-paper Bible. I couldn't just throw it away because it's the Bible. But is it OK to recycle the Bible? It was a true predicament.
I just didn't know what do to. Anyhow, here's the deal: I read the back of the little good book, and it said, "Blessed is he that readeth. Rev. 1:3." I thought, "That can't be right ... it should say 'Blessed is he that spelleth correctly! Ryan Beck 1:3.'
Duh, Jesus, everyone knows that "readeth" isn't a word.
I'm not exactly a religious fanatic, but I am a fan. Just looking around campus I got to thinking that Brother Jed might be right with all of his talk about the heathens and whores here.
Look, I'm just as much of a pig as the next guy, but there is a point where I want to go up to some of the girls on campus and say, "Excuse me, miss, I can see your vagina. It might be time to get a new pair of pants."
Don't get me wrong; I like the tight pants on the ladies, but some of these girl's hoochie shorts ride up so high that my own balls feel empathetic. These harlots and whores seem to be running rampant on the MU campus, yet I'm kind of OK with it.
But this "camel toe epidemic" is not my grievance. Here's my problem: There seems to be a direct correlation between how tight her clothes are and how smart she is. The tighter the clothes, the lower the IQ goes.
I knew a girl that liked to dress like this, and she had gotten a tattoo on her butt.
I plainly asked her if it was a real pain in the ass. She didn't get it. Sure, maybe by some string of strange events I'm not as charming as I think I am, but that girl was dumb.
Don't get me wrong. I think Columbia has some of the most beautiful women in the world. Here's an example of why I think this: I was walking past Conservation Auditorium, and this drop-dead gorgeous girl was sitting in the hall by that big dead moose.
Just her appearance was not why I claim what I claim; it was this next act that sealed the deal for me. I was not more that two feet away from her when I heard the most beautiful sound I think I will hear in my life: She burped.
Not like a little hiccup-style burp, but a full-fledged "I-ate-some-bacon-with-a-side-of-Budweiser" burp. I immediately spun around and congratulated her on how absolutely grotesque it was.
Point being, ladies, if you want to really be respected, you know what to do: Just be yourself, like my burping queen, and for God's sake, even if his word is printed on recycled paper, leave something to the imagination, because I swear if I see one more camel toe on campus, I'm just going to burst. OK, that came out wrong ... or did it?
Love, Ryan Beck