Column:

How to win the youth vote in '08

By Charles Austin

Published Sept. 25, 2007

As students at a university, we are presumably all of age to vote in the upcoming 2008 election.

The politicians realize this as well, and they would love to have our votes. But there's just one problem: Politicians can't relate to us hip-hopping youngsters. They have neither the emotional capacity to understand why big girls don't cry, nor the physical coordination required to crank that Soulja Boy. We are the most tantalizing demographic in politics, an untapped well of votes and support.

My assumption — and I think it is a reasonable one — is that most of the potential candidates for the 2008 presidential election are regular readers of The Maneater's forum section.

So, listen up Mrs. Clinton, Mr. Thompson and especially you Mr. McCain, because I've only got 600 words to tell you how to win over the entire youth population.

First and foremost, we are a generation of morally bankrupt cynics. We value decadence above all else, and this is the key to winning the youth vote. Our favorite human beings on the planet include a wide variety of lowlifes and degenerates all over the spectrum, including Lindsay Lohan, Barry Bonds and Pete Doherty. What do all these people have in common? They all abuse drugs, they all break laws and regulations, and they are all admirable to youth in their own right.

Barack Obama is on to something with his down-to-earth, no-tie look, but that's only the tip of the iceberg. I want to see Barack Obama dress less like a senator and more like The Strokes.

I want to see John McCain show up to a Republican debate completely hammered out of his mind. The advantages of this are two-fold. Firstly, drinking is cool to young people. Secondly, politicians are notorious liars. Drunk people are brutally honest. A politician who showed up smashed to all his debates could finally earn the trust of the public because they know he's just saying whatever is on his mind. If McCain were plastered all the time, maybe he'd stop kissing the president's ass on war policy.

Much like Obama with his dress code insight, Dennis Kucinich has his heart in the right place by parading around his surprisingly foxy wife as a vote-conductive object.

But, again, this is just scratching the surface. To help our elf-like friend pull in bigger numbers at the polls, I suggest he model his campaign after that of Lil Jon. After all, who could forget Lil Jon's wildly successful "Crunk or Die" campaign surrounding the release of his 2004 album Crunk Juice?

At the next Democratic debate I want to see Kucinich stroll up to the podium mackin' hoes and wearin' pimp fade. I want to see at least one woman on each of his sides, but the more the merrier. Furthermore, when the cameraman inevitably cuts to Kucinich's wife in the crowd, the look on her face must convey that she fully understands that pimpin' ain't easy, and that her husband is just doin' his thang and makin' his bread.

These are the values our generation has come to adopt, and I guarantee Kucinich's poll numbers will skyrocket on the heels of his street-savvy new image.

I'm sorry I didn't have time to provide tips to all of the candidates, but in their defense, there are certainly some candidates who are well on their way to winning over the youth population without my sage advice. Double the size of Guantanamo Bay? Mitt Romney is a badass. And that's really all we want in a presidential candidate: a badass.